2011

October| Chapter 13| Delilah

I hate parties. I hate them so much. Only terrible things come from them. I woke up Sunday morning feeling worse than I ever imagined I could feel. Is it possible to run away from your own life? I had slept in and when I woke up it was ten in the morning. I pulled myself out of bed and convinced myself to wash my face. I walked downstairs and poured myself a bowl of cereal. The house was quiet, leaving room for my thoughts to race from one event to the other- going over the events of the previous night. Shortly after I sat at the kitchen countertop where Ada and David joined me. They were just as quiet as me.

"Good morning." Ada smiled as she poured herself a bowl of cereal.

"Good morning." I replied. We all stood not sure what to make of the night.

"Anyone want any OJ?" David asked. He looked like shit. His face was sunken in and dark circles lined his eyes. But something was different about him.

"Yeah sure!" Ada said cheerfully. Was I missing something?

"Delilah?" David looked at me.

"Uhm...yeah sure." I looked down at my bowl. I did not have the energy to deal with anything today.

Ada sat down beside me at the bar top. "Delilah, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good I just-" Before I could finish David cut me off.

"Sis, I'm sorry about last night." What! David....my brother...just apologized...to me! 

"Oh." Was all I could say.

"Ada told me about how you helped, and I just wanted to apologize that you even had to deal with me in the first place." David poured each of us a glass of orange juice.

"Yeah, it's no problem." I mustered up a small smile.

"Love you and if you ever speak of this, I'll end you." David walked around the bar top and wrapped his arms around me. He planted a quick kiss on the top of my head. I found myself hugging him back. I needed the human embrace more than I realized.

"Love you too and ditto!" I laughed.

We all sat in quiet as we finished our breakfast. After breakfast I went up to my room to take a shower. I needed to wash away any thoughts or feelings or memories from the previous night that I could.

"I'm going to shower really quick, but I can take you home after I get out." I offered Ada. 

"I can actually take her." David spoke up casually.

"What?"

"Yeah....I mean...I've got to run a few errands on that side of town so might as well." He shrugged his shoulders.

"Oh, I don't want to impose, I don't mind waiting on Delilah." Ada said as she rinsed her bowl out in the sink.

"I mean I owe you big time after last night, it's just something small I could do." David shoveled another bite of cereal into his mouth.

"Okay, if that's okay with you Delilah?" Ada asked.

"Yeah, I mean whatever you want to do." God I just wanted to disappear.

"Okay, well I'll see you at school tomorrow then." Ada had a huge smile plastered on her face. Whatever.

I stepped into the shower turning the handle as hot as it would go. Steam filled the room helping to push away any sign of a world outside of this room. I felt numb.

Last night when we had arrived at the party to pick up David I offered to look outside. I wish I had told Ada to look outside I wish I had gone inside of that house and found David. I went from person to person asking if they had seen my brother. Most of them were too drunk to even respond. When I rounded the back side of the house my heart sank to the bottom of my stomach. At first, I was unsure, but I looked again and walked a little closer. It was Nolan. He was lip locked with another girl, a girl who wasn't me! I couldn't believe it, my entire world turned upside down.

At this point I had received a text from Ada saying she had found David. When she told me to meet them back home, I couldn't have been happier to follow her orders. I ripped myself away from the horrid site and ran back to my car. I raced home running every stop sign and red light I came in contact with. I was half-way home before I even realized that tears were falling down my face. When I finally arrived home I calmly walked up to my bedroom and sat on my bed. As crazy as this sounds, I think my body was in shock or something. All I could do was just sit there. The tears dried up and I felt nothing. No happiness, no sadness, no anger, just nothing.

I'm not sure how long I sat there before Ada and David arrived. I was brought out of my trance when the headlights of David's car flashed in my windows. I walked down to meet them in the driveway, I had assumed Ada would need my help bringing him in. What kind of state would he be in? All of my movements felt mechanical, I felt so empty. It was all I could do to keep it together long enough for Ada to tell me to get some rest. Thank God for Ada. When I returned to my room I collapsed on my bed and slept until the morning sun peaked through my curtains.

What would I do next? I didn't know if I should reach out to Nolan. Would it even be worth it? Should I just ignore this? Maybe it wasn't even him, maybe I was just seeing things. I had just woken up. But even if it was him, I knew this was coming, I knew it was. All of the missed calls, all of the ignored text, it was not normal.

But just the other night he took me out to one of the nicest restaurants in town. We ate and walked the river walk. When he kissed me under the stars, I thought I would melt into him. We even made love that night, something we hadn't done since the end of summer. The night he took my virginity.

I stepped out of the shower and examined my face in the mirror. Pushing and pulling on different parts. Did I deserve this? Had I done something so horrible as a child that I blocked out of my memory and this was the karma? The universe giving back what I had simply put out. Now that I had given myself to Nolan would anyone else ever want me again? Would anyone ever desire to hold me as close as he did and touch me as gently as he did? I didn't know but the more I thought about it the more it hurt.

With that realization I decided to stop thinking about it. If Nolan wanted to tell me, he would. If he wanted to break up with me, he would. Right? But gosh I don't want another failed relationship. It was starting to get around school that I was an easy catch. I saw the way people looked at me. I'm not as blind as everyone thinks.