we shouldn't

twenty • unimaginable

The screaming only got louder as the bass vibrated. I tried to focus on Billie's voice, but the crowd covered it up, I couldn't hear her.

A ringing took over my eardrums as the bass made my breathing erratic. I looked out at the thousands of screaming and dancing fans.

I knew I had to relax or a panic attack was about to happen.

"How do I get out?" I asked Claudia.

"What?" She yelled over the voices.

"How do I get out of here?" I practically yelled in her ear.

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"I need to go outside" I explained, a tear streaming down my face.
She clearly saw it as a look of concern covered her face.

She grabbed onto my hand and led me to the green room. I could still hear the screaming of the fans and the bass of the music.

"What's wrong?" She asked, wrapping her arms around me.

"I-I'm gonna have a panic attack" I cried.

"How can I help?" She asked, letting go of me.

"I just need to go out for a smoke" I explained, grabbing my bag.

"Okay I'll come with you," she said, throwing on a hoodie.

"N-no" I sobbed, wiping my wet cheeks.

"Spencer I'm coming with you" she demanded. I nodded my head as she led me to the back of the building where I lit the smoke.

I took a deep inhale, tasting the familiar poisson reach my lungs.
My breathing became regular as my sobs stopped.

"What happened?" Claudia asked.

"I don't know" I hung my head, leaning against the building, "I guess I'm just not used to being so overstimulated" I shrugged.

This is a lie. A straight-out lie. I didn't think a concert so many years ago would affect going to one now but... it did.

"That makes sense." She nodded. "Was there something else?"

"No"

"Okay, just checking"

"Claudia" I sighed, "It will never happen, it just can't"

"Unimaginable things happen, Spencer," she said.

"Yeah in rich people's lives" I scoffed.

"You serious right now?" Her eyes went wide, "Finneas and Billie were far from rich and look at them now. I used to work at a fucking gas station and never in a million years did I think I could make a living off of making YouTube videos, now look at me"

"I guess" I shrugged.

"Want to go sit in the green room?" She asked after I put out my smoke. I nodded and followed her back in.

"I'm sorry I ruined your show" I sighed as we sat on the couch.

"Don't apologize, I've seen a lot of them and there's more to come" she smiled.

-

Adelaide, Canberra, Sydney, Melbourne, Fremantle, Bunbury, all checked off the list.
The last stop in Australia was Brisbane. Then we started the North American leg of the tour.

Every concert I would use that time sitting in the green room, doing school work.

I didn't know how Billie did it, day after day, night after night, shows, interviews, surprise appearances, photoshoots, fans, paparazzi, tour busses, hotels, and planes. She did it all and never stopped. How does she do it?
She got tired and exhausted and I could see it, but she never once stopped.