we shouldn't

thirteen • conflict

Breakfast somehow wasn't awkward. If it weren't for Billie and her acting like nothing happened, I would have totally made breakfast awkward.

But a part of me wonders if she thinks it meant nothing. If it was her way of comforting me. Maybe that's ridiculous but she's just acting so normal.

"Have a good day girls" Maggie smiled as she engulfed me in a hug.

"Girls?" I questioned with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, Billie has a shoot this morning" she explained, handing me some money.

"What's this for?" I asked, looking down at the green bills now in my grasp.

"Billie won't be done until an hour after your classes are done so I thought you could pick something up" she shrugged, walking over to Billie to give her a hug.

"Thanks" I smiled, waving goodbye as Billie walked behind me out to the garage.

Sitting down in the passenger seat, a wave of fear spreading through my whole body as Billie started the car without saying a single word.

"So.." I bit the inside of my cheek, trying to build up the courage to ask about what happened last night. "I-

Before I could start Billie cut me off "Look, Spencer, I haven't wrapped my brain around what happened last night but" she paused, taking a deep breath and it took everything in me not to start crying. "But it felt....right."

I glanced out my side window, feeling my lips upturn to a little geeky smile at her words. A tear I didn't even feel coming ran down my cheek.
I looked over at Billie and she glanced at me for a moment.
"Hey hey, what's wrong?" She asked concerned, interlacing our fingers together.

"I don't know" I chuckled, wiping away the tear with my free hand. "I think that tear was a mix of relief and stress mixed together and I don't know how to feel" I explained with a sigh.

"We don't need to know how we feel right now okay?" She smiled.
I nodded in response as we pulled up to the school drop off line.

"I'll see you later okay" she smiled at me, giving my hand a little squeeze.
"Okay," I agreed, reaching for my backpack in the backseat.

The minute I reached my locker. There he was. Jaxson.

Couldn't he just miss one day of school for the sake of my mental health?

"Hey, beautiful" he smiled at me.

"Hey" I choked back anger and gave him a half-hearted smile.

I shouldn't be angry with him. There really is no reason to be angry with him. He didn't force me to do anything, I did it. I did it, that's what makes it worse. I just hated it and I don't want to be in a relationship with him but I feel like I have to.

"You have plans this weekend?" He asked as he started to walk me to my English class.

"Um- I'm not sure. Why?"

"I was thinking we could do something on Saturday" he smiled, intertwining his fingers with mine.

"Yeah I think that should work"

"Great!" He exclaimed. "My foster parents are getting strict about my curfew so you mind if It's at 1?"

"No that's fine"

"Alright, see you in math" he smiled as he pulled me in for a quick peck.

Usually, I don't mind my English class, but today I couldn't focus, I couldn't think. My brain having an internal war with itself.