we shouldn't

fifty • phone calls

"Is he going to make it?" Grace asked the nurse anxiously.

"There is a 50/50 chance at this point, but we are doing everything we can" the nurse assured her.

"Thank you" Grace smiled emotionlessly as the nurse walked out of the room.

I stood at the foot of the hospital bed. My mind racing a million miles per hour. I really wish Billie was here. I really wish she never said what she said. It wasn't like her, she's not like that. I've known her for over a year and not once has she acted up like that.

Why can't Jacob just be okay? I need him. He can't leave. I've had enough fucking trauma and if he dies I swear to god I'm never getting in a vehicle ever again.

"Spencer?" Grace spoke softly, shifting my attention back to reality.

"Hmm?"

"Would you like a moment?"

"Uh, sure" I nodded hesitantly.

I heard her footsteps get quieter and the door close gently. I let out a sigh and sat in the chair next to Jacob.

"Not again. Why again?" I whispered. I laid my head on the bed and closed my eyes, trying to relax.

"Jacob, if you wake up, I'm calling you dad. You need to know that what you do for me and my siblings has really changed my life" I whispered.

"Billie said some fucked up shit to me. I know she didn't mean it but it really hurt. I also know she's sorry. I just don't know what to do"

Just then the constant beat of Jacob's heart rate escalated quickly and his entire body started shaking uncontrollably. I lifted my head in shock as nurses came running through the door and pushed his bed out of the hospital room quickly. The last thing I saw was foam escaping his mouth.

What if that's the last memory I have of him?

A few seconds later there was silence, absolute silence. Until Grace walked in.

"W-what happened?" She whimpered.

"I don't know" I stood up and shook my head. "I was just talking to him and then he had a seizure."

"Grace?" A nurse walked into the room with a compassionate face.

"Yes?" She sniffled.

"Your husband has been rushed into emergency brain surgery" the nurse explained.

"Is he okay?"

"We don't know yet but we are doing absolutely everything we can," she said before leaving the room.

Grace turned to me with a broken face, "that's what they all keep saying, 'we are doing everything we can' so stop telling me that and give me my husband" she cried.

I walked up to her and embraced her in a hug, attempting to calm her down.

-

"She looks so pretty in that one!" Quinn smiled, pointing to a picture of Billie that I took.

The nurses told us the surgery could be a while and we won't be able to see him for a few hours so Grace insisted I went home to the twins. I'm trying to distract myself by showing them some of the photography I took on tour. It's not working, it's only reminding me more of Billie and how much I wish she was here.

"You guys keep looking, I'll be back" I patted their backs as they scrolled through the pictures on my laptop.

I locked the door in my room and picked up my phone for the first time since getting back to LA.

654 missed calls from Billie.
127 missed calls from Finneas.
204 missed calls from Claudia.
52 missed calls from Maggie.
78 missed calls from Patrick.

894 texts from Billie.
98 texts from Finneas.
108 texts from Claudia.
32 texts from Maggie.
21 texts from Patrick.

I'm pretty sure most of those were from Billie. It's only been one night but I should probably at least update someone.

I clicked on Patrick's contact and hit call, pacing my room anxiously.

"Spencer. Is everything okay?" He spoke softly.

For the first time since landing, I let myself cry. I had been in shock and too overwhelmed to cry, but hearing the familiar voice made me lose it.

"J-Jacob got rushed into surgery a-after he had a seizure" I cried.

"I'm so sorry Spencer, did the nurses say anything?"

"T-there's a 50/50 chance" I exhaled, trying to compose myself.

"You let me know as soon as there's an update, okay?"

"I will"

"Spencer, I don't know what exactly was said and I know this isn't a great time but Billie needs you to call her"

"I don't know"

"You know she loves you and she just wants the best for you"

"I know"

"You do whatever is best for you but she hasn't been doing great"

After saying our goodbyes, I scrolled through a few of billies texts.

I love you so much

You mean the entire world to me

I'm so so sorry

I will never forgive myself

I know you can take care of yourself, I've always known, from the start

What I said was uncalled for and completely not true

Please just let me talk to you

Spencer I'm so sorry

Please answer I need to know you're okay

I just wanted to be with you and I got mad for no reason

I miss you

A wave of guilt hit me as I read the texts. I think I've already forgiven her, I need her. I need her to wrap her arms around me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I'm selfish and I don't care anymore. I can't have Billie never forgiving herself. If the tables were turned and I was her, I'd be pissed that she wasn't letting me talk to her. I probably should have stayed and we could have worked it out right there.

I hit Billies contact and laid down on my bed. It rang a lot longer than it normally does before I heard a small "Hi".

"Claudia?" I questioned.

"Yeah, Billie just went on stage but I didn't want you to think she was ignoring you" Claudia explained, "You know she's flying home tonight?"

"She is?"

"Yeah, I think it's a good idea. She's hardly even jumping on stage and she's breaking down every time she sings 'i love you.'"

"I hate that I did this" I sighed.

"What even happened?"

"You don't know?" My eyebrows furrowed together.

"No, she refuses to tell anyone. Even Finneas can't get it out of her"

"Okay well just tell her I called?"

"I will. Is Jacob okay?"

"He's in surgery, but i have to go" I whispered.

"I love you spencer"

"I love you too"