we shouldn't

forty four • death

"Grace is sleeping but she only broke an arm and has a minor cut. Jacob has potential brain damage and is in a coma" Amelia, Jacob's mom, explained to Billie and me in the hospital hallway.

"Where's Quinn and Asher?" I asked.

"They're with Will" she assured me. Will is her husband.

"Do they know?" I mumbled.

"They know they were in an accident but not really" she frowned.

I nodded my head and tried to regulate my breathing. "Can I go see Jacob?" I asked shyly.

"Of course," she smiled, "the nurses told me he can hear what we're saying" she explained, opening up his hospital room.

"Do you want me to wait here?" Billie asked.

I let out a small 'no', and grabbed onto her hand, walking her into the hospital room and closing the door.

"I hate hospital shit" I mumbled into Billie's shoulder as we walked closer to the bed where he was laying.

"It's okay I promise" she smiled sweetly and squeezed my hand before releasing it. I slowly walked over to the chair beside the bed and the moment I saw his face I burst into tears.

It was too much, this man has taken in my siblings, he's provided everything for them and he's been more than welcoming to me. He's one of two men in my life that I trust. He's my father figure, he was open and honest with his struggles and helped me with mine.

"I-i can't" I sobbed as ugly cries flew out of my mouth. I covered my face with my hands and hung my head as I let out hysterical cries. I felt Billie kneel in front of me and place both her hands on my thighs. She softly rubbed them up and down in a comforting motion. I felt her hands run to my back and she hugged my waist as I leaned my head down onto her shoulder and wrapped my arms around her.

"Just breathe" she assured me "that's all you have to do at this moment, just breathe baby, you can do this" she whispered comforting words for a while until I finally calmed down. She pulled away slightly and held both my hands in hers.

"He's gonna be okay" she nodded.

"How do you know?" I sniffled.

"I just know" she shrugged.

"Can I have a minute?" I whispered.

"Of course. I'll be right outside the door if you need anything" she kissed my cheek before leaving me alone with an unconscious Jacob.

I scooted the chair closer to the bed and looked at his face. I held back cries as continuous tears streamed down my cheeks.

"This is fucking stupid" I laughed emotionlessly. "I don't really believe you can hear me, but in the movies, the characters always talk to whoever is in a coma" I sighed.

"I have trust issues and I'd probably never have the courage to tell you this if you weren't passed the fuck out" I chuckled a little, tears still streaming. "Sorry, bad joke."

"You mean a lot to me. You took me in and even though I was doing illegal shit, you still believed in me and saw how much Billie meant to me. Thank you for that. Thank you for helping me quit smoking. I didn't tell you, but I relapsed. I've stopped since then, it was a rough night and I sorta broke down."

"Anyways this is lame and I feel stupid but" I put my hand overtop his, "thank you, Jacob. I hope one day I'll have the courage to call you dad," I said slowly and stood up. I turned around and looked at him one last time "and please wake the fuck it because we need you" I chuckled before walking out of the room.