Letters to My Heartbreaker

3

"Mind if I join you?" I looked up to the man who was smiling ear-to-ear and nodded my head.

I wanted to be alone but I guess I could use some company right now. Kaaalis lang ng mga kaibigan ko kaya heto ako ngayon, nagmumukmok sa isang sulok ng restaurant dito sa resort. Mabilis ang paglipas ng araw at ang isang buwan na bakasyon naming magkakaibigan ay tapos na.

I've been long aware that this day would come and readied myself for this, but I guess... no amount of preparation and readiness could numb the pain from being left.

I expected this to happen, yet the fact that my friends all left still stings.

"Why are you crying?" Jarvis asked as he placed both elbows on the table with both palms on his cheeks.

"Why are you prying?" I asked back, not looking at him.

He was wearing a short-sleeved, rainbow striped polo, a sight too colorful for me to look at. I honestly think that his good looks are enough to catch everyone's attention, but with his colorful clothes, it's harder to keep one's eye away from him.

"I thought we're friends?"

My brow shot up, "Friends? Having a conversation with someone doesn't mean you're friends."

I thought my words were enough to make him leave, but I was mistaken. This guy was a tough one.

"Well, can we be friends then?" he asked.

"No."

"Why?"

I didn't bother answering him but took a sip from my wine instead.

It's nice having friends, but I realized that they'll leave me eventually. I mean, yes, friendship isn't measured with distance, but for me, not being with these "friends" are too painful to handle.

I guess I'm too clingy for my own good.

Having four long distance friends is tough already, so why would I bother befriending people when I know that there'll come a time that they'll leave too?

I heard Jarvis sigh, "At least let me know why you sulking? I'd really like to repay your kindness since you stood me up on our dinner."

Oh, that! He was supposed to treat me to dinner since he wanted to "thank' me for cheering him up on the day we met. But I changed my mind at the last minute and didn't show myself.

I gathered all the strength I had and looked at him straight in the eye then apologized. I didn't mean to stood him up, I just thought that having dinner together might cause me to be suddenly attached to him.

As much as possible, I don't want to get close to anyone.

"It's fine, do you want to reschedule then?" with hopeful eyes, he asked.

I gave him a blank look before shaking my head. I'm sorry Jarvis, I'm scared that I might like you and you'll end up leaving me too.

"You're avoi—"

"Excuse me," a girl interrupted, "Are you Sugar? The friend of my cousin?"

I stared at the girl who just arrived. With her large, dark brown eyes, wavy hair, and moderately freckled cheeks, I immediately found out which friend she was referring to.

"I'm Diantha, Cara's cousin," she introduced while offering her hand.

I was doubting if I should shake it but I didn't want to be rude so I did it anyway.

"Anyways, I'll see you tomorrow, I hope we could hang out," she said then left, not giving the man in front of me a glance.

"Wow, two people are ignoring me today," pagpaparinig ni Jarvis.

"What do you want?" I asked, regretting a bit that I allowed him to sit with me.

"I want you—" aniya pero nanlaki ang mga mata ko, "I mean... I want to eat you."

His second sentence didn't help either, making my eyes widen even more.

"No, no," he shook his head, disappointed with himself, "What I meant was, I want to eat WITH you."

"Oh!" I laughed a little because of that, "I actually thought you're a wild one for a while there."

"Please stop insisting that you should treat me because I somehow consoled... or helped you," I managed to look at him despite the blinding colors of his polo shirt, "I helped you because I wanted to, not because I wanted something in return."

I helped you because I know what you felt that time.

I stood up and was about to turn my back on him but he held my wrist then spoke, "Why do I feel like you're gonna avoid me after this? Did I do something wrong?"

"I don't want to get close to you because I know it'll hurt when you lea—" I stopped, realizing that I said to much.

First, I empathized with him. Second, I wrote a letter for him. And now, I almost opened up to him. And what will happen next? Me trusting him? Me being friends with him?

I'm scared of the things that are about to happen. I fear that his actions and words might break the wall I built around me because if that happens, I know that the next thing that will occur is me trusting him, and me letting him be part of my life.

So before another friendship destroys me; before another friend leaves me; before I let him be part of my life, I'm gonna push him away.