Letters to My Heartbreaker

34

- 1/11/21 - Hey, hello! I'm not sure who's reading this but I just want to share that I am now part of the Wattpad Stars program... so yeah... have a good day ahead :)

It takes years to be able to fully trust someone but only one move of betrayal for that trust to be gone.

Trusting people is hard. Accepting that one got fooled by a trusted person is harder. That's what ate Sav said.

But basing on my situation right now, not knowing whether I should follow my heart or my mind; whether I should forgive and let go or not, is the hardest.

"You know, Sav, I'm mad because of what I found out. I'm disappointed but... I don't think I'm actually mad," I vented out to my sister who was patiently listening. "I mean, does that even make sense?"

"You're mad but you're actually not?" she tilted her head, her brows furrowing. "No, that doesn't make sense, sis."

I was already confused yet my sister, who I thought will help me sort things out, confused me even more.

"I think I know what's going on with you," she added. Ako naman ngayon nalito dahil sa narinig. "Let me spell it out for you," aniya at tumayo mula sa kama at lumapit sa akin.

"Your mind is obviously telling you to be mad because you just found out that he did you wrong before. That's a normal reaction," she started, both of her hands are now on my shoulder as if I'm a kid with bad comprehension. "I mean... sino ba ang masisiyahan kung nalaman nilang niloko pala sila?"

Natawa kami sa huli niyang sinabi ngunit sumeryoso rin siya ulit.

"Sa tingin ko, ganiyan ang nararamdaman mo kasi, una, hindi mo matandaan ang nangyari. May alam ka ngayon dahil sinabihan ka niya ngunit hindi mo pa rin natatandaan. Pangalawa, mas nangingibabaw pa rin ang kasiyahan na natama mo kasama siya."

"Your mind tells you to be mad but your heart says the otherwise. Your memories with him may be lost but your heart remembers how he made you feel. Mas nangingibabaw pa rin ang kaligayahan mo dahil yan ang natandaan ng puso mo."

Maybe she's right. Maybe she isn't.

But then, if her hunch is right, then the questions here would be: Why am I feeling this way? Bakit ganito ang nararamdaman ko? Ganun ba talaga siya ka-espesiyal sa akin na kahit hindi ko siya matandaan, at kahit inamin niya ang kasalanan niya, hindi ko pa rin magawang tuluyang magalit sa kaniya?

"Your heart isn't telling you to be mad at him because it remembered the good emotions and they overpowered the traumatic ones."

Or maybe I'm unconsciously choosing to see him in a different light. Mas pinipili kong tingnan siya bilang isang kaibigan at hindi isang tao na nanakit sa akin.

Dahil sa mga naisip, hinanap ko na naman si ate para makausap siya. Natagpuan ko siyang nagmemeryenda sa may pool area kasama si Zav.

"I think that's brave of you for still choosing to see the good in the person who hurt you," aniya habang sinusubuan si Zav. Tulala akong nakikinig sa mga sinasabi niya at ayaw ko mang aminin, may mga punto siya.

"And I think that even though you got hurt because of him, your heart still believes in his goodness. I think that for you to forgive him despite it all is the purest form of love. A—"

"Woah, woah. Stop right there," I cut her off. Kung ano-ano na naman ang kaniyang sinasabi at ayaw ko nang mas malito pa.

"Alam kong hindi mo pa natatandaan ang nangyari pero alam mo na," she continued and pretended that no interruption happened. "You now know what he did and even though you couldn't remember it, you still have every right to get mad. You could've lashed out on him but you didn't."