heartbreak girl | s.m.

61 | just a funk

I just thought I'd be over it by now, I guess. I thought he'd be a distant memory by now. I thought that by the time I got to this point, I'd have everything figured out. I'd have myself figured out. But I'm so far from all of that. Further than I was a year ago, I'd say.

Dr. Kelley thinks that I still need closure from him, but I don't know how I would get it. If closure would mean getting him out of my head for good, then I'd love some. I just don't know how I'm supposed to get it. I can't exactly just call him up. I don't want to, anyway.

It's quite nice that Jesse is gone all day, because now, I can wallow without any distraction. I love to wallow. I do it often.

I decided to call Edith. Maybe she has some updates on Shawn and Paige.

You are so pathetic. Stop obsessing over him. It's ancient history.

Not obsessing. Just curious.

"Hello?"

I felt relieved that she picked up.

"Hey. It's me."

"I figured," she said, and I could hear her smile. "Love the hair, and that picture was so cute. You know, you've always been a brunette at heart."

"I know. I felt it was time to give up Blonde Gemma," I said.

"Is there some metaphor tied to it? I feel like it has the potential to be quite symbolic," she said, making me chuckle.

"I don't know. Dying my hair blonde was for sure symbolic, because I was trying to get over the breakup and stuff. It symbolized a fresh start. I don't know what going back to brown would symbolize."

"Interesting," she said, sounding like she was thinking. "Today's the day, isn't it?"

"What day?"

"When you and Shawn broke up," she said.

"How do you even remember?"

"He brought it up yesterday."

My heart stopped. "He did? Why?"

"He was just saying how crazy it is that it's already been a year," she replied, which wasn't the exciting scoop I was hoping for.

"It is pretty crazy, isn't it?" I asked. "I mean...I don't know. It feels like an eternity ago, but at the same time, I can't believe we've been apart so long."

She didn't respond right away; she just let the words hang between us.

"I know he still thinks about you, Gem. I think he thinks about you a lot," she told me.

"Probably because he hates my guts. He's probably thinking about how much he hates me," I replied. "I mean, I hurt him. And I shouldn't have. He didn't deserve it."

"Believe me, he doesn't hate your guts, Gemma. He understands why you did it. He wouldn't hold it against you," she replied.

"I wouldn't blame him if he did."

"You know, have you ever thought about reaching out? Just in a friendly way?" she asked. "I mean, why can't you be friends?"

The thought made me ill. Just being friends with him seemed like the weirdest thing ever. I can't imagine it; I can't imagine feeling nothing towards him, the way I feel nothing for Isaac or Brad or any other male friend I have.

"I could never be just friends with him," I said.

"Funny. When I said that to him, he said the same thing. That he could never be just friends with you," she replied.