heartbreak girl | s.m.

the letter

chapter playlist ⏯
• a drop in the ocean - ron pope
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Dear Shawn,

My therapist says I should write you some
sort of "goodbye letter," where I say everything I want to say to you. It's supposed to be some sort of closure thing, so I can get all this stuff off my chest and hopefully off my mind. The kicker is that I'm not actually supposed to send it, so I can really just say whatever I want without fear of you actually seeing this. It will probably be a very long letter, but ours was a long love story.

My therapist is named Dr. Kelley, and she's alright. I talk to her about you all the time. She's probably sick of talking about you, but I'm not—I never am—and it's her job to talk to me about you, so we talk about you a lot. She thinks that I need to learn how to love you without holding onto you, but I think she'd be in the same predicament if she had spent the last two years of her life with you. She's alright, though. I know you always told me I should go see a therapist, and now I am, and I hope you're happy to hear that.

So yeah. I miss you, in case I didn't say that already. I miss you a lot, and I think about you every day, all the time. Do you think about me much? Is it in a good way, or a bad way? Edith says you're not mad at me, and I try to believe her, but there's this sinking feeling in my stomach that tells me you are.

Okay, so where do I start? I hated breaking up with you. I wish I would have never asked if we should take a break, and I wish I would have never even woke up at three a.m., and I wish that you had just stayed in bed all night and we could have avoided it. I guess we couldn't have avoided it forever, but I wish we would have. I selfishly wanted you to keep being mine, even when I hurt you all the time.

It seems unfair to you, the lot you've drawn. Because I know how much you loved me, and how unfair is it that you were chosen to love me? Out of all the girls in the world that God could have stuck you with for a year and a half, he chose the mess that I am. And it's an odd situation I'm in, because obviously I loved you, but I also knew what I was, and I always knew I would implode one day. I always knew I would make a mess like I did when we broke up, because some people can't escape what they are. I will always be that girl you found crying outside of a club, that girl whose mind was fucked up, that girl who could never get it right. And I know you wanted to fix me. I know you wanted to save me; you got sick of perfect and were up for the challenge of me, and I was just thrilled that someone like you could see the good in me that I thought was hidden.

You can't save me from what I am, as much as you want to think you can. The depression is proof of that. A year ago, even six months ago, I would have never guessed that I would be "depressed." But that just shows what little control I have over it. And you had even less control.

I couldn't drag you into it any longer. It's wrong of me to be so selfish, to insist you stay while I fall apart. And I know that you thought I was doing the wrong thing by pushing you away, and even I thought that that was wrong for a while, too. But you needed to be pushed away, because you'd never leave on your own. You were holding on to what we once had, and that clouded your perception of what we had become. What I had become. I couldn't be what you deserved anymore, and you weren't physically around to understand the gravity of what that meant. It wasn't just that I didn't pick up the phone, it was that I had hour-long meltdowns because of this awful, awful voice in the back of my head that told me you didn't want to be with me anymore. It told me all the ways I let you down, all the things you've missed out on because of me, all the things you could do without me holding you back. All the ways you could be happier. It told me all these things that I started to believe, and I couldn't escape it. Everything just started building up in my head—my anxieties, this stupid fucking depression, our relationship, school—and I couldn't keep up. I let you down, once again, and I just didn't want to let you down anymore.

Now, you can just...live. A guy like you shouldn't be tied down to a girl yet, anyway. You have the whole world in your hands, and you should start acting like it. Go out with your friends, hook up with girls you barely know, do stupid shit you'll regret in the morning. Why the fuck not? You'll have plenty of time to slow dance in the kitchen when you're older. You know?

I'm going to work on me. I'm going to get better. I'm going to be the Gemma you fell in love with, one day. And if our paths cross again, I'd be thrilled. But if you move on without me, I'll still be happy. As long as you're happy, I'll be happy for you. I really mean that. If you find a girl who makes you the happiest guy in the world, then I'm going to root for you the whole time. That's what love is about, right? Wanting the best for someone, even if the best isn't you.

I'm sorry if I broke your heart. To be honest, I always thought you'd break mine first. But I should have known that I would be the one to ruin everything.

I love you. I will love you forever.

Always yours,
Clark

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new, full update in the next day or two. thanks <3