"i could pull the stars down from the sky and give them to you, and you would still find a reason to say no, wouldn't you, gemma? you would still fucking go choose him."
i felt like the world was crashing down on me. the one person i was completely...
chapter playlist ⏯ • empire state of mind - jay-z & alicia keys • give yourself a try - the 1975 • the first thing you see - bruno major
——— gemmaclark
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——— the next day
The thing about this publishing situation is that it's a little tricky, and it took me a very long time to even do all the steps that brought me to standing in Isaac Benton's building.
You're supposed to have an agent, but I couldn't manage to find one, and all the ones that I emailed didn't even respond or said they had too many books already. Excuses. They probably assumed that I was just some delusional girl who had no idea what she was talking about and would be a total waste of their time—not a far-fetched thought. So, this left me to do pretty much everything on my own.
I sent it to a handful of publishers. There are big ones, who probably didn't even open my email. But Isaac Benton opened my email—rather, his assistant did—and for some reason, after reading the full manuscript, agreed to meet about a contract.
I've questioned this for a long time, why this happened to me. Why my email was even opened. Maybe it's because it's an actual great book—unlikely. Maybe it's because it's an interesting storyline for a random teenage girl who was previously dating movie star Jake Dempsey to write a novel. Maybe the email was only opened to make fun of me. Maybe I was only asked to send in the full manuscript for a good laugh.
I don't think I would have gotten this far on some practical joke, though. I hope not, at least. I'm very nervous about all of it. A part of me just wishes that they'll decide to reject me so I don't have to deal with the stress of all of it.
But a bigger part of me is so excited to finally do something real. I want my own thing. Something that I did, all by myself; something that I came up with, and thought out, and made happen. Something I'll get recognition for. It's sort of stupid, but I want this for myself. I don't want to get grouped in with the LA girls. I want to be known for being smart, and creative, and successful—which is a lot to ask for, I know. But it'd be nice. That's all.
me i'm freaking out
me i know i said i had it under control, but i don't
It's six in the morning in LA, I suddenly remembered. I almost groaned out loud.
me shit there's no way you're awake
me my bad ugh i'll tell you how it goes
I don't need Shawn to make me calmer, but it'd be slightly helpful. I'd enjoy his comfort. But that's way too much to ask of someone, I know. I've just gotten used to the privilege of having him, and now I'm spoiled with it.
