heartbreak girl | s.m.

49 | off

chapter playlist ⏯
• say - ruel
• unsaid - ruel
• if this is love - ruth b

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about a month later
gemma <<<

"I'm sorry, babe. I've got class tomorrow and I just can't stay up anymore," I said, yawning.

"It's okay, Gem. I'm thankful that you stayed up this long," he replied. He looked tired, too, because he just woke up. It's two a.m. here and eight a.m. where he's at. I have class in six hours, which will be two p.m. his time, and by the time that's over, he'll already be getting ready to go on stage, and by the time his show is over, then we'll be able to talk, as long we both don't have anything else going on. But he'll be exhausted, so the window is short. And so then he'll fall asleep, and by the time he wakes up, I'll be fast asleep, and then the cycle repeats all over again. It's awesome (note the sarcasm). Hopefully the next time zone gives us more flexibility.

"I'll catch ya in the morning sometime," I said. "Or, well, whenever it's convenient, I guess. I have class."

He smiled. "When do you not have class?" he asked rhetorically.

I answered anyway. "Weekends. And the occasional Friday."

The best days are weekends that are also off days for him. Because even if he has an off day, I might still have school, and when it's a weekend and I don't have school, he might still have an event or prior commitment. But when they overlap, it's heaven. They don't come too often, though. so I cherish them.

"Okay, goodnight. Or good morning. Whatever it is. Love you," I said, giving him a smile. I examined him; he was laying on his side in bed, a white comforter pulled over him, his hair messy and his eyes heavy. The window behind let in all of the morning sunlight. What I would give to be next to him. Outside my window, it was pitch black.

"Love you, too. Night, Gem," he said.

And we ended the call. I couldn't help but feel a bit empty. There's just a lot of dead air between us these days. We used to just talk each other's ear off, but now it's like we find it hard to have a thirty minute conversation. It's just hard to relate to each other when we're living two completely different lives. Sometimes I think it's a good thing that we don't talk a lot, because then at least we can save up topics for when we do get to talk.

I looked at my computer, where I still had an assignment open that I haven't finished. I need sleep, though. But not finishing an assignment? That's not me. I don't know how I got this far behind in the first place.

NYU has been kicking my ass. Maybe it's less about NYU and more about me; I'm finding it much harder to focus on academics lately, which is troubling, because I've never been that way. It's not like I'm super busy. I mean, I hang out with Sloane, Jesse, and Ryan sometimes, but not an overpowering amount. I work on my writing in my free time, but I typically prioritize homework. I just can't focus on much anything anymore. It's like I just don't have any motivation. And I don't really know why. I think I'm just in a funk.

I decided to shut my laptop and work on it tomorrow. I can do that.

Time for bed. What I've been waiting for since I woke up.

I've also learned to value sleep much, much more. Going to bed is the best part of my day. And napping is my favorite hobby. Literally.

I got underneath the covers, pulling them all the way up to my chin. It's freezing, but I like it like that. I can snuggle up in my blankets and be all comfy and it's fabulous.

My favorite thing about sleeping, however, isn't the relaxation or getting to be all cozy. My favorite thing about sleeping is being away from reality. I don't have to worry about finishing schoolwork, or the heavy pressure to write a better book than my first one, or saying the right thing on the phone to my boyfriend. I don't have to worry about all those stupid things that hold me hostage in my own head.