chapter playlist ⏯
• better off - jeremy zucker & chelsea cutler
• already gone - sleeping at last
• say - ruel
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shawn >>>
"Hello?"
Her voice came through the speaker of my phone, and my heart was at ease again. I haven't heard her voice in forever, and it feels so good to get to again.
However.
"Hey," I replied unenthusiastically.
"Is it really you?"
"Yeah?"
"Oh, good. It sort of felt like you were avoiding me," she said.
"Well, it sort of feels like you've been avoiding me for the better part of five months," I heard myself say. Slipped right out of my mouth when it probably shouldn't have.
She didn't say anything, so I felt bad. She was supposed to get mad and argue back, and then I wouldn't feel bad.
"I just wanted to tell you that I'm going to the doctor today," she finally said. My stomach turned. The doctor?
"Why do you need to go to the doctor?" I said as I did the math of the last time we slept together. It was like two months ago.
"I just think I need to see someone about...the state of my mind," she replied. Okay, cool, not pregnant. And this is good. She's talking to someone. I didn't even have to tell her; she's just done this in her own. I felt a little relieved.
"Okay," I said simply. "What do you think they're going to say?"
It took her a long time to say something. Maybe I asked the wrong question, as per usual. Maybe she's just upset. Maybe she's really messed up about this.
"I don't know. I don't even know if this is a fixable thing," she replied. "I just feel so...worthless. Everything feels worthless, like nothing means anything. Everything is slipping through my fingers and I don't have the motivation to try and hold it."
Her voice was breaking as she talked, and I realized that she was on the verge of tears. "I want to be better and fix this. Maybe...this could be the first step."
Okay, wow. This feels more like the Gemma I know. She's trying, and that's a big deal.
"That's really great to hear, Gem," I told her. "Seriously. I'm really proud of you."
She sniffled. "Thank you," she said softly. "I'm sorry for making this weird."
I laughed a little. "Not weird at all. I'm just glad you didn't say you were pregnant."
She laughed, too. "Can you imagine?"
"I literally can't," I said as she kept laughing. Yes. Her laugh. "So, when are you going?"
"I'm about to leave my apartment," she said. "I just figured I'd try to reach you one more time. And it worked."
I suddenly regretted not answering her calls for a day and a half. I'm still a little upset about the fact that she went out with Isaac without even telling me. I haven't said anything about it, though.
"Yeah," I said. "Well, good luck."
"Thanks," she replied.
"Tell me how it goes, okay?" I asked. If I don't ask, she might not tell me. And I would like a guaranteed extra conversation with her today.
"I will," she told me, sounding like she meant it. "Bye."
"Bye, Gem," I replied. And she hung up before I could decide if I wanted to say "I love you" or not.
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heartbreak girl | s.m.
Fanfiction"i could pull the stars down from the sky and give them to you, and you would still find a reason to say no, wouldn't you, gemma? you would still fucking go choose him." i felt like the world was crashing down on me. the one person i was completely...
