Life Under the Hood

Chapter 19

Kody's POV
(Who's ready for a change up?)

"Because, what if I never get this?" I hear Dick ask, his voice absolutely terrified.

I feel as though a knife has just entered through my heart, puncturing it in all the right places. Tears well in my eyes, and I have to clamp my hand tightly over my mouth to avoid making a sound. I slide down against the wall trembling, trying hard to remember how to breathe.

I knew couldn't do this. I knew I wouldn't be good enough. I knew my fears and my fucked up past would find some way to get in the way. I curse under my breathe. I curse my parents for putting me through hell, scarring me and leading me to believe I could never be an adequate parent. I curse them for scaring me out of doing the one thing most women can't wait to do and have no problem doing. And I curse myself for never being able to forgive them, for being unable to heal properly. If only I could, then maybe I would be able to be ok with the idea of children.

I sniffle quietly, standing from my position on the floor, and heading for my bedroom, not wanting to hear the rest of the conversation, not wanting to hear what a disappointment I am. I walk through the doors, my body going numb. Throwing myself on the bed, I wrap my body around a pillow and burrow beneath the covers, hoping I'll disappear. Silent tears leak out of my eyes while anger builds in my stomach. Why can I never be good enough? Why can I never be enough?

The bedroom door opens moments later, and I smash my face deeper into the pillow. I don't want Dick to see that I've been crying.

"Baby, are you awake?" Dick ask sweetly as if he wasn't just talking about me mere moments ago.

"Mmhm." I hum.

The bed sinks as Dick places himself on it. He wraps a strong arm around, cuddling into my side. I instantly break underneath him. I can't help it. I can't lay here in love with him while also disappointing him at the same time.

"Babe?" Dick instantly sits ups, his hand finding my face and bringing me to meet his gaze. "What's wrong?"

I look at him through tearful eyes. Even slightly blurry he's still handsome, and I find myself melting under his concerned eyes. Another guilty pang shoots through me. He cares for, he always has. I need to repay him for all the love he's shown me, even when I seemed unlovable. I should be able to give him children, but I can't bring myself to do it.

"Do you regret it?" I ask, my voice quiet and choked.

"Regret what?" He raises an eyebrow.

"Marrying me." I cry.

Dick's eyes instantly lose color, and I can see his shame overtake him. "You heard me and Lucy downstairs." I nod. "Kody, I'm so sorry."

"No, I'm sorry." I say. "I'm sorry that I can't. I can't give you what you want, what you deserve."

"You are what I want." He speaks over me.

"No, I'm not! I'm not all that you want! You want more, and I can't give you more!" I'm hysterical by now. I haven't cried this hard in years. I haven't felt this worthless in years. "I've tried, I swear, I've tried. I've tried to come to terms with the fact that you want kids, that I'm supposed to give you kids. But, Dick, I just can't. The world is so cruel, and I won't be able to protect them from everything. And if my children experience even a sliver of the pain and abandonment I did..." The tears restrain me from continuing.

I break down completely, not holding anything back. I wail as Dick pulls me into his chest, holding me tightly, absolutely terrified to see what will happen if he lets go. My hands clutch his shirt tightly as I cry. I cry for various reasons, but mostly I cry because I feel I'm about to lose the only person that matters to me. But I would let Dick go and give him the opportunity to find happiness somewhere else with someone else, rather than hold onto him and torture him for the rest of his life.

I am still releasing body racking sobs as Dick pulls far enough away to look me in the eye. He brings his hand to rest under my chin and tilts my face towards his.

"Kody, you mean everything to me, and I am so sorry I made you feel this way. If I could take it all back, I would. I can't keep doing this to you. I can't keep forcing this on you. Don'y worry about kids, ok. They don't matter. I just need you. I promise, you're all I need." Dick speaks gently.

"I just want to be enough." I sniffle.

"You are, baby, you're more than enough." He presses his lips to mine.

I can't help but kiss back instantly. My hands travel from Dick's shirt up into his hair. The salt from my tears and the few tears I'm just now realizing Dick shed mix into the kiss. I deepen the kiss, and both of us fall back onto the bed in an emotional yet passionate heap. We break for air before reconnecting seconds later.

Eventually it's just us, nothing holds us back or stands in between us. My head clouds as Dick shows me how much he loves me, how much I mean to him. I breathe heavily as my mind and body are bombarded with emotions. I hold tight to Dick, keeping him as close as possible. Eventually we both crash, colliding in the best way.

Dick moves so that he cradles me gently. He leaves soft, lingering kisses up and down my body, only stopping once he's fallen asleep. I continue to lay wide awake even hours after he has drifted off. I lay in regret, in fear. I love Dick. With everything in me, I love him. But I regret what we did. I regret it more than I can say.

I went too far tonight. I didn't stop Dick, and I should have. I was completely vulnerable and reckless tonight. I didn't warn him that there was nothing protecting us, protecting me. I acted on impulse, and soon I'm going to have to pay for it.

I clutch Dick's arms tighter as the tears start again. I begin to tire. Crying is taking all of my energy. I fall into a restless sleep with one thought running through my mind.

What have I done?

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The amount of typos in this book is truly embarrassing. I swear I've passed all of my writing classes.

Guess who's back!
Hi Everyone! Did you miss me? It looks like the Todd's aren't the only ones adding a new addition. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, and I promise to be back with a new one as soon as possible. Also, I will be doing some editing over the next couple of days. Now, onto the boring part of this note. My schedule is about to get slightly hectic, and I can not guarantee when updates will be available. I will try my best to put them out as fast as possible. Thank you all for your never ending patience and loyalty. It truly means the world. I love each and every one of you and your support does not go unnoticed. I hope you all continue to stay safe and healthy.

Until next time