My Life: A Dramatic Narrative

Reflection

12/25

I'm going to reflect upon each month this year.

January-

Now, I have no documentation nor recollection of January and February. I'm sorry.

March-Good month, somewhat. March 15th 2014 was the day Christian Johnson asked me out. AKA the best day of the whole year. He asked me out by saying, and I quote,"So...um...do you wanna like go out with me?" I know, right, so romantic. After I said Yes, he was so surprised, he was wondering why someone like me (whatever that means) would go out with him. Well, would you date an angel? Cause that's how I felt.

April-

Um I was in Millie which was AWESOME and That's all I really remember.

May- This is my birthday month, on the 19th I had an amazing date with Chris and bumped into two teachers (#awkward) and on Memorial Weekend I went to Atlanta where I had the time of my life! If heaven were real, I would relive that trip over and over again. Best. Month. Ever.

June- School ended:( but I went to Harry Potter camp #fun.

July- I have one journal entry I wrote which I'm gonna write from July and I wrote it about Chris,

"I rarely talk to him now. He's so busy with his life that he only says good night. I'm starting to feel more and more lonely (developing BPD) as the time passes. The rain trickling down my window are my tears and the thunder is the sound of my heart breaking and the lightning is the pain that sits upon my soul. If only he knew how much I love him and how much I miss him. Not only physically but mentally and emotionally. The day I get him back will be ghetto day they'll be reading my will because no one cares until you die. So, love, if you are listening, come back to me before it's too late. Because I love you."

August- I have documentary from this point forward so I'm just going to write my journal entries from my REALLY personal diary.

8/25-

"Today was an okay day. Apparently I'm funny. Everyone laughs at my jokes. I just wish I wasn't so confused about my sexuality. Am I lesbian? Bisexual? Straight? I know I'm not straight, I know that. I love Chris, though. Other than him, I love women. I don't even know. All I know is that I'm confused. And everyone hates it, it seems."

8/28-

"Isn't it sad how the most influential people aren't recognized for their talents until they die. If they had been discovered, their work may be more. Just look at Van Gogh. Emily Dickinson. Beautiful people Who made the best of sense. If only I could their work. So much influencing things built on faith and love and hopelessness. If only."

"Do you ever feel like giving up? Well, I know you don't, You're a book. But the imaginary person. Do you? Because I do. But I love people so much. Though they may not love me back. May? I know they don't. They just pity me."

In this month, I broke up with Chris. I regret that.

September- I came out of the closet as lesbian on the 5th of September.

9/10-

"I have came out. I know for a fact that I am lesbian. I love women. I mean, men are okay too. They can have good personalities (hence biromatic). But I came out. Well, actually, only to Kaitlyn and Christian now. But I feel bad...

Chris said that sometimes when he sees me his heart stops and he can't get me off his mind. I still love him. But...as a friend (#lying to myself). And I can't tell him I'm lesbian. He's homophobic. And I couldn't bear his disappointment."

October-

10/14-

"I'm sorry I didn't write in here for so long. But I like Kaitlyn. Have for a very long time. But she almost found out. She asked,"Am I Taco?" And I denied it. I said I liked Julia because I couldn't tell her. If she knew, she wouldn't be my friend. But apparently it's obvious that I like her? I know that when your pupils dilate it means you care immensely for that thing. Which I'm also scared of. When Chris and I were talking Monday, everytime he looked at me his pupils would dilate. I hope it was because of Cody or something because I am too much heartbreak for him. To be honest, I would date him. I am gay except that one guy. Chris is the exception. I don't want to break his heart though. Again, I like Kaitlyn but I still care for Chris. Christian Johnson is just a better person than me. But Kaitlyn just doesn't care. I admitted that I cut because of her and she barely glanced at it."

November-

Meh.

December-

(This is another really long, depressing one).12/19-

"I'm sorry. I sit on my bathroom floor, crying. No one cares. I need someone to talk to but no one is There. No response. I have a safety punny. I need a distraction. I stare into my now dull eyes. There's nothing but tears and a dead thing with a beating heart. Why is no one there? Am I that bad of a person? Am I that annoying. People are liars. They don't actually care. They don't really care about your feelings. If they Did, they'd be here. I just...I can't. I can't do it. Live nor die. I'm stuck in this hole. With nothing but these demons in my head. Why? Why must they be here? Why can't they go away? We're always told that the world is beautiful. All I see is ugly. Greed, selfishness, jealousy. Why is it there? Where is the beauty? I cannot see it. I see it in people nut they don't share. They keep it. I need it. Or I'll stay ugly."

I'm sorry that was so long. That was my hole year. If I mentioned you, I don't mean anything offensively. It's my feelings.

~Tayler