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13. July 2019.

 I feel nothing, I feel empty. Feelings that I have today are non-existent and I don't know if I should spend these pages with useless, worthless words.

'I can't stop, think about, think about us anymore' These are song lyrics Can't stop by OneRepublic, they have the best songs and these lyrics are describing the past couple of days. Days or maybe months?

I have been observing him these couple of days now, I've been looking at his demeanor, how, what he is doing, talking to other women. I understand that he's a guy and that we girls are cute and interesting, I might think about that for me but he's really friendly and social and maybe flirtatious just maybe and that makes me jealous, I can't help it. I mean have you seen those girls, they are better looking than me for sure and he keeps talking to them and I know this would sound selfish but I want him just for myself.

You know how people are making their own paths by choosing what they want to be, what they want to work, where they want to go and those paths may lead them to their dream job? I know it's rare when you have a job which you actually love doing, that you want to be doing. It's rare to find a person who is happy on a Monday morning. I know I would be if I would have a dream job, I wouldn't mind working for New Year's eve or Christmas or any big holiday if I love that job. I think only true artists like actors and musicians are living their dream. I really want to make it as an artist, as a movie director but I keep comparing myself with Hollywood actors, with Steven Spielberg. Yes, I want to be a movie director or a screenwriter but there is a bigger part that I want to play. I want to be a mom, that is my dream job, that is my dream to be one day. I want to be a mom more than anything, I want to be a wife of course but my biggest dream is to have a baby with a guy that I love. I mean, look at my mom, she has never worked, her job was to raise two girls, to help them grow, to help them evolve and for them to be independent. I want to have that, I want to have a boy, I want to have a son who I will spoil. I know that I would be a great mom and that doesn't scare me. If I would be pregnant now, I would be scared but good scared and excited and I would cry of happiness. I know that I am ready.

Today I was supposed to go to visit an old friend. She gave birth to a little girl but I just couldn't go, I lied to her, I said that I was sick. I know that I would cry when I see her baby, well I am crying now from just the thought of it. I saw the pictures, and that's when it hit me. Tears were just going down on my cheeks. I just couldn't help it, I am vulnerable when it comes to babies when it comes to being a mother, I just start crying because I am so, so scared that I won't have it, that I would never have kids, it's a fear that is always inside me and that won't go away until that day comes.

There was a little girl at the gym today. Will crouched to her, he was talking to her but she was shy, he was playful with her, my heart was melting. I love seeing him with kids, I have a feeling that he would be a great dad, I know that he would be that kind of dad who would be always there for his kid, that kid one day will be lucky to have him as a dad.