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31. May 2019.

 I am physically dead. He is insane, he killed me with training. Some of them were fun to do but some of them killed my spirit, I just hope I won't do them ever again.

When I started training today I was feeling so so, not too eager to workout and also because of my feeling towards him. He had approached me to say hi and he always has that question which now I think he asks everyone. "How are you?" "I'm ok." I said but my face said 'I could be better' and I saw his look. I saw that he saw me. I wasn't sad but I just wasn't in the mood. He saw that but he didn't say anything. I wish that he did. As I started those killer exercises I got tired, I was hot, I felt weird and I just hit a pause but he was next to me and he was being stubborn like, oh, well, me. "What's wrong? Does it hurt? Where? What's wrong?" I kept saying it's nothing but he kept asking. <It isn't anything physical so let it go.> I just don't remember how or when did he let go. "Tell me, you got to tell me." "Seriously, it's nothing." It was everything but nothing at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I am arguing with myself. Later he was showing me battling ropes which I found interesting. I remembered something that he said to me but I never thought I would hear it from him, he took me by surprise. I remember him saying how I am glowing but I wasn't sure in what context, I am loving it but as I am giving more thought to it I am thinking that he is giving me hidden compliments. Before they were clear as a day and they were direct but now he looks like he's hiding them like he's giving them to me hidden between words. He's trying to give me a compliment in the shape of a babushka or a locket. Why is he so shy? Just say it, spill the beans already. Ok, I can say that I am shy too but sometimes I do say what's on my mind, I'm not that shy. So, when I was at first testing the ropes he was asking me questions like "How are you feeling at the moment? Scared?" "I am not scared, I am ok. I'm just sure that shoulder will hurt." "There! You are sure of it but it won't happen because it's not an exercise for shoulders. Try it." I gave it a try and I hate admitting this but he was right. I hate when someone else is right, especially him. He was telling me how everything that I think that I can't do it or that I am scared, it's all coming from my head and that we need to believe that we can. Sometimes he can be such a philosopher like my mother but there's a difference, I could listen to him all day. Throughout the training, my mood has changed. I was smiling most of the time, of course, my mood always changes when I'm around him.

I got scared, I'm scared a little bit, I've never been in a situation like this. So, with him, it's going slow but still, I want to go somewhat further. In the meantime, I have met someone online and we've been talking and texting for four days now and there's no going around the bush, everything is straight forward. He keeps giving me compliments and he calls me cute names and I get all swoon. I feel like someone finally cares about me and wants to spend time with me even though he lives in another city, three hours by car. He's nice and cute but there this thing... He is not who I want and there's also a thing that I don't like. He's younger than me six years and I'm just not comfortable with it. Why I got scared? With this guy, everything is going fast, way too fast but he's such a sweetheart and I just don't want to break his heart. I'm scared that one day I will but I don't want to. This guy knows about William, he knows everything, and yet he's still here. He doesn't know that I'm in love with Will but to be truthful neither does Will. Will's kind of fragile guy, that I think, so you gotta go easy with him, he has been through so much and I just want to be there for him, to comfort him, to be supportive. Maybe I sound like a broken record but it's the truth. I just want to be there for him but I don't know how. There's something that bothers me. With this younger guy, I feel like a teenager eager to be in a relationship and be all lovey-dovey but on the other hand, I want to be with him, with Will, the total opposite. I want to be in a serious relationship where I can see that it's going somewhere, where I can see myself married and having kids. I don't even know what this is with this younger guy. I know it's nice and everything but I know that it won't last. I know it's been a couple of days but I don't have the time for non-serious relationships, well, I don't have the time for on-line relationships because I think that they are not something that you can count as a relationship. It's chatting and seeing that someone one the camera, that's nothing. That is seriously nothing and you can't count it as a relationship. I want to have kids and everything so I need to go big or go home, I need a serious relationship or just not being in one because it's just not worth breaking men's heart if it's not going to happen. I know that I am unemployed and that's not good for me but I'm a little bit scared of working and I do want to but that's why I need him, to support me, to push me in the right direction. I know that I can do anything but I'm not sure where to go, which way to go, how to start. That's why I maybe think of myself as not worthy of him. He is an incredible human being, he is pushing to succeed and it's working out for him well but I don't. I want to, I want to succeed in the photography business but I just don't know how I don't know where to start. I don't think I am good enough for him. He is going somewhere and I am not, he's done a lot and me... I have two degrees, how did I make it? I haven't. Now I'm just stuck in this void. I feel like he needs me and I know that I need him... Also, I feel like I need to break up with the young guy but I don't want to hurt him and also I like the feeling of being wanted. The other day I asked him, younger guy if there is someone that he likes, a possible girlfriend and he said that there is someone, insinuating towards me. It's just not fair to him or me. I don't want to give him false hope and I don't want to be in a relationship where the feelings are not mutual and also this ain't a relationship. Let's say for a second that this is a real relationship, it wouldn't be fair to him or to me being together because I have feelings for someone else and I would be just satisfying my needs, I wouldn't be fully happy but then he likes me and maybe he would love me but then that would be a problem and it's just not fair to either of us. The thing about Will is that he has everything I want in a guy, he's mature and he has that inner child with who you want to play with from time to time, it's like best of both worlds.