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5. June 2019.

 Last night I talked to a friend, and he said something that got stuck in my head. I don't like it. He said that all this, all of the things that I have done with Will it's all based on a friendship level and someone else said how he put me in a friend zone. I was so bummed. I don't want to be friends, I mean I do but I don't want to be stuck as a friend. Now that I thought it over, being friends is ok, it's painful and hard but it's good. Why sudden change of hearts? You know why you know everything by now. I'm just... I want to go up, I want to be more than a friend, if not a girlfriend but someone who you trust enough, someone who you would... Well, my fear is here and my heart hurts so I had to stop writing. Some memories are not nice, some of them are painful so it's not worth remembering them. While on topic, I'm scared that my biggest fear will come to life. All my life I wanted to have a baby. I always wanted to get pregnant and to buy maternity clothes and to have that motherly feeling, that feeling when you hold your baby in your arms for the first time and then you know that you'll love him always and forever, no matter what. I'm terrified but I kind of need to be hopeful but I don't know if I can still be. I mean I know what I want with my life but I don't think that I will get it, still hoping, but you don't know it for sure. I know I'm being irrational and not realistic when I say that I want all of this with him but you don't understand, my feelings for him are real and strong, and also I know that he has no feelings like these for me and that's what hurts. I know that we would be good together and I just want to try this, I want to try us and maybe my feeling was off, maybe it was wrong and maybe this is just not meant to be, it's not written in the stars. I want to tell him how I feel but then I am scared, no, I am terrified of being rejected by the only person I want to be with and it hurts, it fucking hurts. When it hurts so much then tears are just pouring down my face and I don't have enough tissues. Sometimes I'm tired of crying but sometimes I need to cry my heart out. This is why I hate romantic movies. First of all, they are all cheesy and the storyline is the same. Every romantic and Christmas movie has the same plot and it's super unrealistic. I hate that. It's not that they're not realistic but they show how it is easy to find a guy who will fall for us so fast and that you'll be together and it will end up like happily ever after. That is so fake. Would someone else make a realistic movie for once? Or is that too hard or is it something that wouldn't be watched? Fine then! I'll make a movie like that just to prove my point and to be the only one without the cliché. I'll be original.

I brought the magnet just in case. I don't know, maybe I will have a chance to give it to him. I was down today and he saw that so he was encouraging me anyways, I know it's his job to do so but that's one of the reasons I fell for him. I reminded him that I have something for him and after training as I was leaving the gym I found him waiting for me. I was hungry so I thought that I would give it to him and we would go our ways but my plan didn't happen because something else has happened. By the way, I moved the magnet to my pants pocket just in case. As I gave him that thing, he said that we can go together because we were going in the same direction. My stomach was growling at me but it was worth it. We were walking and talking, well he did most of the talking, I enjoy listening to him, such a soothing voice. When we were supposed to separate at the crossroads I didn't want to do it so I went with him, I waited with him for the bus but I was hoping that it wouldn't come soon. "If it doesn't come soon you can hang out with me." Will said. Did he want to hang out with me? I'm always happy to hear that. At some point, I got the courage to take the magnet in my hand and to say those words. "Well, I have something, it's stupid, but... here." I reached out to him giving him the magnet that says Rome. "Oh, nice. It's not stupid, it's great, I love it, thank you." He was looking at it for a while, it is kind of unique because it's not a modern look, it 's not like a photo of Rome on it, it's like a stone square-shaped and Coliseum is on it. It's something. It wasn't so bad as I imagined it would be. It was better. Later when he left I only regretted not asking him out for dinner, anyway, I love this and I miss this.