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24. October 2018

One day I came earlier so I decided to take a walk around the block but then I bumped into him. We talked a little bit and then he asked me for a coffee before training. My brain started thinking and calculating. Because coffee makes my stomach roar and also it makes me sick I know that I would go to the toilet every fifteen minutes and if we go I don't have the money to pay because I only have the money for this starting month of training and I don't want him to pay for me. I thought I was supposed to do that, I know that guys always pay for stuff like that but I wanted to do it this time so I said something that I regretted ever since. That was the moment when my mouth said no, thank you. Of course, I wanted to go but... I felt so bad. How could I explain that to him? I couldn't. Also, I should have said that we could go some other time but I didn't, how dumb was that. I'm not good at improvising on the spot. A couple of weeks later I wanted to pay him back for inviting me for coffee so I texted him after training if he wants to go for a coffee after he is done with his last client. I received his reply in a minute. "I don't hang out with clients. Thanks anyway." First of all, now I was hurt, second of all what is he talking about and third what??? Is he messing with me? He asked me first and now this. I am confused, I don't know what is going on. Is he doing something to hurt me? Was he hurt? Is this a payback? I don't understand men's minds. How does it work? But for a moment I understood why he was like that. I am his client and he shouldn't mix business with pleasure, but also he can if he wants to. I see how he treats me. I see how he talks to me, how he behaves around me, and mostly how he treats me when we are not alone. He is different. I don't like that but I do understand. After that text, I text him a joke which by his reply he liked it and made him laugh. After this situation he was cool. Like nothing ever happened. That was good, mature. Then I saw his professional side.

One afternoon I sent him a text asking for the time to meet for the next training. He replied with: "I was just about to ask you that." He was thinking about me. I was happy. So I asked him if we can do therapeutic exercises because my legs were still sore from the last time. He replied like he was laughing and then said: "Sure. We'll go easy this time." There was another day when I wanted to text him playfully. "Tomorrow afternoon I am all yours. When are you free?" He didn't react to the first one, he just told me the time.

I can say with confidence that he is one of the good guys, he is different. I can tell just from his eyes and from his attitude. He is not just a hottie, he has a good and enormous heart which makes him more attractive. He is very smart and I love that about him. The only thing I don't like about him is that he smokes cigarettes, I'm all about healthy lungs.

Sometimes when he's showing exercises I look at him. There was one time when he was on all four, showing it, but all I could look at was small, rounded, in the shape of the moon, tight ass. I wanted to grab him so badly but I snapped out of it in time. His arm muscles are big enough, everything about him is a perfect size, well... except for one thing which I'm not sure. I sure look at it once in a while. The best part of all is stretching. I may have said that already but damn it is hot. There was one time he did my legs where he would wide them while standing between my legs. I might have made a facial expression because I was enjoying it and I was a little bit turned on. I'm not sure but he might have seen me and while standing right there he asked me with a smile on his face: "You are enjoying this, aren't you?" I was a little bit uncomfortable so I just smiled at him.

That was just the first month.

Today is the second day of the second month. On the first day, I wasn't doing much of the exercises because my shoulder was hurting. I was doing an exercise for my neck and as my arm was bent in elbow next to my head, that's when my shoulder hurt. By having any pain, I am supposed to report. When I told Will, he was asking me questions, he was looking where it hurts so he could find the troubled spot. He found it but couldn't get it why it is hurting me or what is it. He asked me to come to the therapeutic room where he does all the examination and therapies. I lay down on the table and by his instructions, I was moving closer to him. He was doing some tests so he can treat it properly. He didn't want to be in a total professional mode so he was making jokes about me how I am impossible when it comes to pain and how he's going to kill me. I was laughing too. After examination, he gave me a treatment with some kind of a device. While he was doing the treatment there was total silence. After the treatment, he told me that I need to rest that shoulder. We went back to the hall and he told me to stretch my spine by using a big roller that looks like a punching bag but it's much smaller. I lay on it on my side which was relaxing. While I was resting in that position he told me to rest for ten minutes.

It was interesting. First thing when I got in I told him a joke but he couldn't recognize that it was a joke. When I was on a treadmill he came to me with his phone in his hand asking me if I knew what is the problem that popped out on his screen. I wasn't wearing glasses so I couldn't see it from his hand so I asked him if I can take it and have a closer look. He didn't mind it. I read it and so I explained to him that it is regular cleaning of a phone's cache, passwords, data, and other stuff. I told him that he needs to clean it once in a while or the phone will freeze or run slower. He thanked me and walked away. Later on, when I was doing an exercise for my back using my legs he called me a baby because of the way I was doing it. I was so not offended. I was laughing at that small insult. When I was done for the day he stretched my legs. He was pushing my leg towards my chest but not too hard. In my mind, I was thinking 'Please do, lay on me.' Then he changed the position where he put one hand on my knee and the other on my pelvis pushing it down. That tickles me every time but when I told him that he got used to my reactions to this, it was also hot even though it's what he does.

At one point, he was standing next to me and he said how he has something for me. Instead of foreign music, he played some songs of a Serbian composer Vlado Georgiev which we both like to listen to. He was goofing around while singing. I was singing with him while working and laughing at him, I had to he's too cute. Watching him like this I couldn't be happier. It was almost a moment where I could say 'I love you' but I'm not sure if that means that I love him. I don't even know what love is, how does it feel. I did 'love' once but it wasn't anything like this. Now thinking about that I don't think it was love at all.

I came back from a long walk. I was thinking about Will. I was questioning myself why I care about him, why do I 'love him'. I understand now. But my feelings about him are the only thing I don't like. Whenever I'm supposed to leave the house I get nervous. I get nervous a lot. My heart starts racing like crazy. Sometimes I feel pain. I don't know if that I am feeling is because I love him even though I know that I don't. I am stressing over nothing.

Every morning when I wake up he is the first thing and only thing that is on my mind. Around 10.30 am I was online when I got his voice message. I was freaking out. I was happy, I still am. I have listened to it at least ten times. His voice is so firm and sexy. I don't know what to do. Now I may think he has a girlfriend. I don't know why I just do. Why would I care about that, it's not that I like him, I mean I do but it's not a big deal.

I feel everything. I feel that maybe we won't end up together but I'm not thinking about dating. I know, I went too far too fast. I went from lust to 'I want to end up with him', I maybe am falling for him. I do want him but just for khm... something else not as a boyfriend. I feel happy because I knew that he was thinking about me. I feel good in his presence, I feel good and satisfied because I met someone with who I connected. I also feel anxious and of course horny. I had a lot of scenarios in my head, sex scenes. Every time I take a shower at the gym I fantasize about him joining me in the shower. Hugging me from behind, kissing my neck, touching me. Then he would slowly turn me towards him and kiss me on the lips, I always fantasize the same.