Her Majesty's Knight

Chapter 20 - Historia

AN: Song inspired for this chapter: Holding Out for a Hero by Bonnie Tyler. Perfect for this chapter.

I have no idea where I'm going as my feet lead me into the unknown.

After the captain left, I turned completely numb and wandered off into the woods beyond the farmhouse.

I climbed the fence surrounding the farm, despite my sister's warnings when I was little, then found myself amongst the shadows like a lost princess in a fairy tale. Yet I don't flinch when the trees bare terrifying faces.

I just go on, trying to forget.

There is no light, apart from the occasional break in the clouds when the moon reveals itself. My skirt catches on a branch, yet I don't stop. I stumble over a fallen log, but I still continue my aimless direction.

It's not until I find myself knee-deep in ice-cold water when I finally come to my senses, peering down into the murk below.

A lake...

Quickly, I stumble out of the water and climb back to shore shivering, wrapping my arms around my legs. I bury my face into my knees and rock back and forth, keeping the emotions at bay.

No... I won't cry for him. He's long gone now; he made his decision.

He abandoned his duty and left his queen to fend for herself. He's no soldier or knight.

He's just a big coward.

And a thief, because he stole my heart... 

I laugh at the irony, wiping my eyes. I have fallen in love with the captain. I really am the most foolish girl in the world.

There was a small moment where I thought he may have felt the same, but it turns out I was wrong.

Who could ever love a girl like me? I never should have been born after all. I just make people miserable.

No matter where I go, I will always be that helpless little girl whose mother shoved her away.

The same little girl who watched as her mother walked out of her life forever. And the same thing happened again tonight.

The captain left me, just like my mother did.

In the end, everyone leaves.

Even Ymir.

I'm not sure how long I stay by the lake. Before long the cold has completely set into my bones, and I can no longer feel my arms and legs.

I should really get back to the farmhouse. The children need me after all. Unlike the captain, I won't abandon them and leave them to fend for themselves.

I won't leave Tilly.

I will write a letter to Nile tomorrow, and ask him to send me a hundred men. They will never replace the strength of the captain, but at least I will be safe.

Time to move on. The captain and I will go back to being professional acquaintances. And all conversations between us from now on will be curt and brusque, and it will be like our kiss never happened.

The time we spent together will all be forgotten.

I squeeze my eyes, choking back a sob.

I will never forget the time we spent together...