The Empress Wears Gucci

61

      Would the Emperor eventually force me to produce an heir? The Emperor seemed to keep his distance from me, which makes me believe that he doesn't really love me. If he doesn't love me, he can't give me the 'Empress' title. And if he does and I get it? I'll suffer from the guilt I'm already carrying on my back. There was no turning back. I figured I would come clean. I'll tell the Emperor that I don't love him. I'll tell him straight to his face. I'll tell him. I can't sleep anymore, knowing that I don't love him. I can't exploit his heart like that. This wasn't my character. I was willing to fight, but this is going too far. I felt the pressure inside of me. If the Emperor gets mad and threatens to kick me out of the harem, I'll allow it. I'll beg him for the Empress pin. Jaxon and I can stab ourselves and leave. Stabbing would be the worst technique, but I was willing to risk dying. 

          I can't keep lying anymore. I didn't love the Emperor.

        My eyes started to water. I swallowed as I put my head down. Nobody can see me, I could cry right now but my eyes would redden. I blinked back my tears. To keep me distracted, I fidgeted with my sleeves and stared at my hands.

      The original plan was to use my hair when I am the empress, but that wasn't possible if I confess. I wish Jaxon would be here with me, so he'd guide me to what I was supposed to do. Although I handled mostly everything myself, I needed Jaxon. There is no way I can do this alone. I needed him to tell me what to do.

       We finally arrived. 

        The eunuchs helped me out. I gracefully stepped out, keeping my head held high.

        This was finally it. I came up with a plan that I'll have to follow through with. I wanted to confess everything. The Emperor had to help me... I needed him to. I'll expose everything from technology to human behaviour if I have to. He didn't have to believe me but I'll find a way for him to believe me. Once he believes me, he has to help me. He must.

      Why am I so stupid? Stupid, stupid, stupid!

      "Warm blessings to Your Majesty." I kneeled, bowing nervously. My knees started to feel weak when I felt his presence come nearer. How could I lie to this man? This man who pardoned me from many things, this man who broke rules for me... I was disloyal. 

       I refused to look up at him. 

      "You may get up." The Emperor's voice was enough to give me shivers down my spine. The ground felt comfortable. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to face what would happen next. Can he hear how loud my beating heart was?

      "Thank you, Your Majesty," I replied. When I stood up, I looked at him. The Emperor noticed my discomfort. Well, I assumed he did because he lowered his chin and studied my face. To respond to that, I awkwardly smiled. This was embarrassing. 

      The Emperor relaxed his face. Still, he studied me. His eyes scanned my nose and to my lips, then back to my eyes. I stayed still. I waited for him to speak first. My politeness was extra as of now. "Will you be my empress, Ying Yue?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. 

      I didn't know what had gotten into me, but I exploded in shame. I collapsed on the ground and kneeled. The palms of my hands were wet now, pressing hard on the ground. My cheeks were burning. To show more respect, I kowtowed to him. "I can never serve you as a wife, Your Majesty! I haven't given you an heir, I haven't accompanied you in bed... I cannot reciprocate the feelings back."

         I continued, still keeping the top of my head pressed against the hard floor, "You've been gentle, affectionate, and caring to me, but I... I cannot repay you. All this time that I've spent with you, I know you will never get it back. There are so many ways I can repay you, but I cannot. I am left empty-handed. I pay my reverence to you for treating me so kind after all—except for the... er... Anyway, I apologize, Your Majesty."