Underneath it all

Trying to change.

After Rey had left, Kylo had poured over the rules again.  Some rules would be harder to implement than others.  The romantic attachments and desire were a real problem with Rey around.  Kylo knew all the time that she was here he would want to touch her, kiss her and more, much more.  Deep down he knew that he should ask her to leave him alone, but the thought of being alone in the darkness again sent a wave of panic through his body.  No, she could visit, he just needed to be strong.  Not killing unarmed opponents would be easy as there were none here and the same went for seeking revenge.  That was a big bonus of being alone on an island, no one could anger him or wrong him.  Knowledge was no problem, he would gain that by studying the force.  In fact the rules that scared him most were the ones asking for peace and tranquillity within him.  He harboured such hate, such resentment towards his past, how would he let that go?  Rey's face appeared in his mind and he allowed himself a small smile.  Rey would help him, just the thought of her calmed his soul.  It would be ok with her here.

Kylo unpacked his bag and took a moment to eat some of the supplies he had packed, sipping from the water bottle as he gazed around the room. It had been a long time since he'd been in such a place as this. In fact, he remembered with a sinking feeling, the last time he had been somewhere like this he had been training with Luke. The thought of him made his stomach flip and an uneasy rush go through his body. He stood then, brushing crumbs from his tunic. What now? He decided that he should explore the island.

Outside a storm had whipped up and great rain clouds passed overhead as thunder rumbled. Kylo pulled up the hood on his cloak and began climbing the steps that led up the side of the hill, all the while his mind on his uncle. Before Rey had left she had assured him that Luke was gone and yet, even without the force, Kylo still felt his presence.

Finally he reached the top of the hill and stopped, pulling down his hood for a moment and squinting through the rain. Ahead of him was a burnt pile of twisted wood. Although he didn't know exactly what it was, he felt that it was somehow important. He carried on across the island, holding his hood up around his face as the wind tore at it. He turned left and made his way across the grass, coming finally to something he recognised as a Jedi temple. He paused, suddenly afraid. All of this, everything it represented scared him. He had tried to run away from it for years and yet here he was. He knew that it was somewhere he would have to go, but not today, not now.

He began his trek back to the village along the cliff top, cursing the weather now as he shivered, his clothing stuck to him, strands of hair slick to his face. He was almost there when he noticed a shape just under the surface of the sea far below him. He paused, squinting against the rain. It was an x-wing. Kylo stood for a long moment staring at it. It had been his uncles, that much was obvious. A porg fluttered past snapping him out of his thoughts. Feeling suddenly as though eyes from the past were watching him, he turned and headed back to the hut.

That evening he washed quickly under the cold shower, pleased that the cold water gave him no time for impure thoughts about Rey. Afterwards, shivering with cold he slid under the covers, pulling the blanket to his chin as he ate a simple meal and sipped rain water.

Kylo could see himself in bed. Snoke was there, sat on the edge of his bed, watching him sleep, his hand outstretched, hovering over his head, reading his thoughts. He was smiling his twisted smile, clearly amused and then slowly he leant down and whispered into Kylos ear "You'll never get your powers back, you're too weak, you're just a child in a mask!".

Kylo sat up with a gasp, his hand flying to his ear, still feeling Snokes warm breath there. He sat staring around the room, waiting for his breathing to calm and then he lay down again, Snokes negative influence pushing into his mind. Could he do this? Was he strong enough? . Kylo squeezed his eyes shut, picturing Rey, a blanket of calm wrapping around him at the thought. She stayed in his mind until he fell asleep.

The next morning Kylo ate and then washed and tidied himself, thinking of Rey, keen to see her again, although reminding himself that he would have to keep his distance from her.

He had just left his hut when he saw the falcon landing on the platform by the sea, next to his own ship. Kylo walked halfway down the steps and stopped, watching the falcons door open and Rey emerge, her little face tilting towards him and smiling warmly. She bounded up the steps, stopping herself abruptly as she reached him. "Hello" she said quietly, stepping closer and then pushing against him, her arms wrapping around his waist, her head on his chest. He stood still, his hand gripping her elbow stifly, desperately fighting the feelings that were rushing through his body. He began to swell and he gently pushed her back, looking at her face, seeing little flushes of pink there. They walked together to his hut, Rey following Kylo, trying to keep up with his long strides. "Who do you have with you today?" Kylo asked, glancing back over his shoulder towards the falcon. Rey jogged to join him, falling into step as they reached the huts. "No one, just me". Kylo turned to her surprised, "Does anyone know what you're doing?". Rey laughed lightly, "Only Chewie. I haven't told Rose that I'm coming here to you, I don't think she'd understand". 

Inside the hut Rey sat cross legged on the floor, the Jedi rules on her lap.  "Ok, I think today we should meditate, it would tick a lot of boxes".  Kylo scoffed as he paced the room and Rey swivelled to look at him, "I can show you how" she said softly.

They climbed up the hill and headed for the Jedi temple, Rey leading, Kylo lagging behind.  When they reached the temple they went inside.  Kylo watched Rey closely as her eyes swept the room, clearly remembering the last time she was here with his uncle.  Kylo shifted uncomfortably and Rey turned to him, gesturing with her hand for him to follow her.  They headed out into the sunlight and Rey sat down cross legged, patting the ground next to her.  Kylo hesitated and then unclipoed his cape, laying it carefully on a rock before joining Rey.  He heard her giggle as he struggled to sit in the same position as her, his long legs making it awkward.  He shot her a look but there was no menace there.  Only with her could he be so foolish, so free he thought. 

"Ok, so close your eyes, breathe in and out steadily and try to clear your mind.  Just listen to the sea and the wind" Rey said softly.  Kylo took a deep breath and closed his eyes.  Usually he hated being alone with his own thoughts but now, knowing that Rey was next to him he was able to clear his mind, to focus as she said, just on the sea and wind.  He felt free, something that he hadn't felt for so long.  They sat like that for some time, side by side, just two souls together. 

"Ben?", Rey's sweet voice came and Kylo opened his eyes, squinting in the sunlight.  She had moved to sit in front of him and now she reached out and took his hands, squeezing them gently, "How was that?".  Kylo met her eyes and swallowed, "Good" he said simply, feeling vulnerable and still unsure about how much of him to show to her.  She smiled and then stood up purposefully, "Come on, I want to show you something".