Underneath it all

Please help me.

Over the next few days Kylo heard nothing from Rey or Hux and his sorrow and fear grew in equal measures. At night he saw his parents faces, drowning in blood and heard them calling him. Other nights he would wake to find Hux standing over him, Rey clasped to him, a knife to her throat which he would slowly drag across her soft skin, blood spilling onto him just as he shot up into a seated position, relief cascading through him as he realised that it was just a dream. His mind was so tormented during the day that he could barely operate. Rey's angry face and her words had stayed with him. He had a job to do and yet all he felt was a deep sense of loss, of his mother and Rey.

"Supreme Leader General Hux has been sighted on Eadu" an officer said, turning from where he was sat. Kylo, who had been gazing out of the window at the stars, his mind on Rey, turned quickly. "He's building a weapon.  We have to be ready" Kylo stated through his mask. The officer sat silently for a moment, his voice shaking as he spoke again, "How can you be sure, is the General an enemy of the First Order?". Slightly taken aback by his boldness but far too tired to react, Kylo spoke clearly as he answered the cowering figure in front of him, "Eadu has an old imperial weapons research facility on it, it's no coincidence that he has made his way there. And yes, General Hux can no longer be trusted by the First Order, I want him eliminated on sight". The officer nodded quickly, "Yes Supreme Leader, as you wish, thank you Supreme Leader".

Kylo was about to turn back to the window when the intruder alarms sounded. His eyes flew to the panels, now flashing with lights. "Supreme Leader we have a security breach, sector 4". Kylo stepped towards the screens, seeing the tall figure of Chewbacca appear on one and then another as he jogged down the hallways. Suddenly all of the screens went blank and all eyes in the control room turned to Kylo for his instructions. "Get all ground teams to search the base for that wookie and any others that might be with him, and find their ship!".

Kylo headed out into the hallway, a group of stormtroopers jogging ahead of him and that was when he felt it, felt her. She was here, he was sure of it. He stopped and closed his eyes under his mask, of course she was, she was here to finish this, to make him pay. A sudden feeling almost like panic surged through him, if they met would he be able to kill her if he had to? He wasn't sure. The thought of losing the one last person who cared about him in the whole universe scared him half to death and brought a lump to his throat. Had he already lost her? He wondered as he began walking again. "No sign of any intruders although we have found some bombs planted. We've disabled those and word has reached us that a ship, in fact the millennium falcon was seen leaving a moment ago. Supreme Leader I believe that this was merely a jab from the resistance to let us know that they are still here, that some of their numbers remain" a stormtrooper officer said, jogging up to him. Kylo nodded "Very good. Be ready though I feel there may be more to this". The stormtrooper officer nodded and marched away, disappearing around a corner. Kylo inhaled deeply, she wouldn't have just done that and run, her pride was too great, she would have wanted to see it through, whatever plan she had.

His mind running feverishly he went to the only place where he could think, the room which housed his grandfathers mask. He stepped inside and sat down in the chair opposite the mask.

He had managed to quieten his thoughts before here but now, even as he stared at his grandfathers mask he felt no comfort.  Hux appeared in his mind.  A dangerous figure looking in, plotting Kylos demise and then quite suddenly he thought of his mother and father.  His parents were gone, something that he thought would set him free but now he realised that they would never leave him.  He squeezed his eyes shut under his mask as his mother's face appeared there, pale and broken, staring at a mask but still seeing her son, whispering that she loved him.   He thought of his uncle and how consumed he had been with rage on Crait at the very sight of him. He thought about how badly his uncle had hurt him, how betrayed he had felt.  How betrayed he had felt by everyone around him.  He thought about Rey coming to him, telling him that his mother was ill and then his shock at seeing her there through the bond, how he had recoiled from her, the hurt evident in his mother's eyes.  His mind went to his last bond with Rey and her anger and rage at him.  His lip trembled as he battled with his emotions "You're a monster".  That statement resonated with him as heavily as it had all that time ago on Takodana, it was a word that he had heard his parents using when they whispered about him behind closed doors.  I am a monster he thought miserably hanging his head.  A sudden noise made Kylos head snap up and what he saw there made him suck in his breath. 

Rey stood on the other side of the room amongst the shadows, her face cold, her eyes studying him.  He went to stand but Rey drew a blaster from behind her back "Sit down" she barked.  Kylo stayed sat where he was, swallowing hard.  "Are you really here or is this a force bond?"  He asked, his voice metallic within the helmet. Rey straightened, "I'm here and I'm going to kill you" Rey said ferociously, her eyes full of hate.  Kylo stood slowly and Rey stepped forwards, raising the blaster, "Don't come any closer" she barked.  Kylo carried on walking until the blaster was pressed to his chest "I'll make this easy for you" he said, unable to disguise the misery in his voice, even with his helmet on.  Rey's brows creased and the blaster began to shake in her hands, "Do it Rey....please" Kylo begged.  Rey stared at him her head shaking slowly but the blaster never moving from where it rested on his heaving chest, "Do it!" Kylo yelled suddenly making Rey jump, the sudden urgency he felt to be free of the pain rushing off his body in waves of desperation.  Rey's eyes had filled with tears now as she lowered the blaster slowly.  Seeing that it wasn't going to happen Kylo stumbled backwards into the chair, his body shaking, tears beginning to brim secretly under the cover of his mask. 

He hung his head and was surprised to see Rey crouch down between his legs as she had through the force bond and look up at him, her eyes roaming over his masked face.  Her eyes had changed now.  They were still wary but softer.  "Ben what have you done?  Your mother is gone as you said she was, we found her body.  Was it you that shot her?"  Kylo shook his head, "I found her badly injured, my General shot her".  Rey sat back on her heels then frowning and slowly raised her hands to his mask.  She paused, looking for permission and when Kylo didn't react she clicked it open and lifted it off.

His hair was messy and unkept, dark circles ringed his red, glassy eyes and sweat stained his cheeks.  Rey stared at him, slowly lifting her hand as he looked back at her.  He felt her timidly push into his mind and to his amazement he felt no wish to stop her, strangely open to showing Rey all that was tormenting him, seeking some sort of comfort from it. He watched her eyes grow wide as she saw it all. His betrayal and deep hurt at the hands of his family, his mental and physical abuse at the hands of Snoke. His loneliness and his desires. Rey's face coloured at the realisation that all of his desires concerned her but she pushed past that and saw his shock when Rey showed him his mother, felt the panic that it instilled within him, the driving force to launching an attack on the resistance.

Kylo watched Rey through exhausted eyes as she discovered all of his deepest, most painful memories and thoughts. At the memory of his dying mother and the words she had spoken, Rey felt tears flow down her cheeks. She saw Hux with his blaster, felt the agony Kylo had felt at seeing his mother die like that. Rey sat down heavily on her bottom, her hands swiping at tears, "Where is your General now?" Rey asked simply. Kylo cleared his throat, leaning back in his seat, "Eadu. He's plotting against me. Rey he knows what happened, he knows we defeated Snoke together". Rey considered this for a moment and then nodded. Her next question caught Kylo off guard and he met her eyes "Are you alright?".

Kylo couldn't remember the last time someone had asked him that and for a moment his walls came up before he remembered that she had seen inside his mind, there were no hiding places left now. Kylo slowly shook his head. "I don't want to be like this Rey, I'm losing my mind. I need your help....please".  As he said please his voice shook with emotion, remembering the last time that he had begged her.  For a moment Rey looked surprised and then her hand that was still hovering near his face slowly reached towards him.  Kylo didn't move, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he watched her.

Rey's hand touched his cheek and he flinched, so unused to contact and tenderness but his eyes never left hers.  She moved her hand slightly, pushing strands of dark hair from his face.  "I was so ready to kill you Ben" Rey whispered as a tear slid down the side of her nose, "but I couldn't.  I couldn't do it".  Kylo watched her intently, taking in her beauty.  "I will help you.  I don't know how but I'll help you out of all of this, I promise you it's not too late".  Rey's hand was cupping his cheek now, her thumb absentmindedly brushing back and forth over the scar she had given him.  Kylo found himself closing his eyes at the warmth of her touch.  Rey's other hand was on his face too now, pushing his dark hair back gently.  For the first time in his adult life Kylo felt the tension leave him as she continued and a soft sigh left his lips.

He was so tired.  So sick of fighting the battle in his head.  

That was when he felt something that made his eyes fly open, Rey's lips on his.