Underneath it all

She's still alive?

Kylo stood alone, looking out over the rows and rows of tie fighters.  He watched from the window above the hanger as red troops, his new army, marched up and down, overseen by General Hux.

Hux, he noticed was avoiding him.  Not only was he obviously sore about Kylos new position within the First Order, but he clearly knew or at the very least suspected that Rey had not been solely responsible for the death of their leader.

Rey.

At the thought of her Kylo closed his eyes and breathed in deeply.  She was always there in the back of his mind.  Would he see her again?  He found himself wondering.  Had Rey closing the door on him ended what they had?  "Uh Supreme Leader, General Hux requests your presence down in the hanger".  Kylos eyes shot open and he turned his head towards the shaking Officer wondering whether he had been there long.  "Tell General Hux I will be with him shortly".  The Officer nodded his head and left, taking long, quick strides. 

Kylo turned back to the viewing window and looked down on the hundreds of troops below him.  So much life surrounded him and yet, as ever he was still alone.

As day turned to evening Kylo retired to his chambers, the beginnings of a headache thumping at his temples.  He closed the door and leant against it for a moment, he had snapped a moment ago, slashing up a whole control panel in a fit of rage because his helmet hadn't been fixed yet.  The Officers there had shrunk away from him, their eyes filled with terror.  A look that Kylo was more than used to seeing in people's eyes. 

She doesn't loook at you like that.  A little voice inside his head whispered.

The shower was hot, the water pouring over his exhausted body.  He stood under the flow with his eyes closed, allowing the water to plaster his hair to his face.  Rey appeared in his mind suddenly, where was she?  What was she doing?  Kylo took a handful of soap and scrubbed his chest, feeling the many scars under his fingertips.  Was she washing herself right now?  The thought sent a rush through his body.  He continued to wash his skin, aware as usual of his hardness which had appeared at the thought of Rey.  Before Rey he had never had impure thoughts about anyone since being with the first order. He had been taught to repress it.  But since meeting her all that time ago it had become a daily battle. Mind over matter he would tell himself, forcing his hand to stay away, dripping warm soapy suds over his manhood. 

It had been Luke's first lessson, if you wished to be powerful you ignored your body's desires, those were there to amuse the weak he had said.  What he didn't say though was how to ignore the throbbing need that he felt every time he washed down his stomach or how to block out thoughts of her.

Grunting with frustration he leant his hands on the walls of the shower and hung his head, the water rushing over his neck.

Kylo climbed into bed and lay on his back with his eyes shut, an arm behind his head. Suddenly quite unexpectedly his mind went to his mother. He opened his eyes, his brows creasing. Why had he just thought of her? Ever since he had watched her ship blow up he had pushed his mother from his mind. Partly because it hurt too much and partly because he had been so consumed with everything surrounding his new role.  But now suddenly from nowhere his mind was filled with her. He thought about her voice, not the shouting, raised voice that he had heard a lot before he was sent away but her soft voice whispering to him when he was a child, telling him that his father would be home soon, telling him that she loved him. At that thought Kylo sat up abruptly, his heart thumping, why was he thinking about all this now?

He closed his eyes and sat for a moment steadying his breathing. Suddenly a voice came from somewhere in the gloom. "Ben". His eyes shot open and his mouth fell open. "Mother" he found himself saying and then the room was silent and empty again. Kylo leant over and turned on the lamp next to the bed, his eyes scanning the room feverishly. What was that? He rose to his feet, turning slowly to take in his surroundings. It had definitely been his mother's voice, he would know it anywhere.

He stood, listening to the blood thumping in his ears. Of course he knew what it meant. It meant that his mother was alive. He stood quietly for a moment absorbing that thought and then quite suddenly, without thinking, a smile spread across Kylos face. She was alive.