Underneath it all

Mind over matter.

The next day Kylo couldn't keep his mind off his mother, the very thought of her bringing a great, dragging feeling of sadness into the pit of his stomach.  He knew that when he had heard his mother's voice it had been her speaking to him through the force, willing him to come to her.  But he couldn't.  He knew that.  It was too late.

Hux had been notable by his absence so far that day which suited Kylo.  The last thing he wanted to do was have another heated exchange with him.  It was only a matter of time, Kylo thought, until Hux made his move against him.  He wasn't sure yet what it would be but Kylo knew it was coming.  The thought alone made him tired and he closed his eyes under the cover of his mask, inhaling deeply.

By the end of the day Kylos head thumped mercilessly as he made his way to his private quarters. He was so sick of this constant noise in his head. The constant questions, the constant doubts and underneath it all the damn pull to the light, to his mother and Rey.

He closed the door and immediately pulled off his, helmet, boots and gloves. Turning he caught sight of himself in the mirror. He stepped closer, taking in the dark circles under his eyes and the scar. The scar that Rey had given him all that time ago. His fingers traced along it as he thought of her. Would she come to him again tonight, to try and convince him to go to his mother? He knew that his mother was still alive, the force bond between mother and son reignited after all these years.

He wondered for a moment if he could open the force bond between himself and Rey just as she had the previous day. For a full minute he thought about trying but finally decided against it. There was no question that part of him wanted to see her, to experience that closeness again, to feel her skin on his but another, larger part of him chastised himself for feeling that way. He was the Supreme Leader, he could not allow this scavenger to get into his head so easily.

He stripped off the rest of his clothes and headed into the shower, turning on the hot water and stepping under it, closing his eyes, his head throbbing. He swept his hair off his face and opened his eyes, blinking away water droplets from his lashes, thinking.  The throne room and Crait. He wanted to ask Rey about those things. Why she had done what she had done. Why she hadn't joined him. At the thought of it his stomach knotted and a wave of rage ran through him. Yesterday when she had appeared before him he had been totally unprepared to see her again and yet ever since the force bond had ended he had been desperate to ask her those things, cross with himself for not. Would it make him feel better? He wondered absentmindedly as he washed his dark hair. He wasn't sure. He leant back, rinsing away the bubbles, his hands coming up to sweep his hair off his face. He washed his face, his fingers brushing over the scar again, thinking of her. He worked the soap into a lather and ran his hands down his chest, feeling his hard muscles and the raised edges of his scar. His hand reached his stomach and stopped. It was happening again. As usual Rey was in his mind and his body was responding. He took a deep breath, focusing his mind elsewhere but his body refused to calm down, every bit of him silently begging for attention where it was needed most. Kylo clenched his jaw, willing his hands back up towards his face and then rinsing them under the shower spray, rinsing away thoughts of Rey.

He had only spent time with one woman before. Back in Luke's training camp, a young apprentice named Yazmina. It had been both of their first times and they had fumbled their way through it as best as they could, it had been sex but it hadn't been passionate. Luke had found out and had screamed at them both. It had been when Luke had told him that desire makes you weak. That all of the strongest people in the galaxy control their body with their mind and not the other way around. And so from that day forwards, all those years ago, Kylo had made a silent promise to himself to not allow himself to become distracted by male needs and desires and up until Rey he had been doing well. But now! Kylo cursed, turning off the water. Now, every thought of her, every detail was erotic and it was making it more and more difficult to maintain his abstinence.

She would be the death of him. He thought bad temperedly as he pulled on pyjama bottoms and climbed into bed willing himself to sleep whilst all the while feeling the now familiar unanswered throb between his legs.