Underneath it all

Darkness.

"General Hux is dead.  I killed him.  We need to take steps to appoint a new General". 

Kylo had called a meeting upon his return and now he sat at the long table watching shock cross the faces of the men around him at the news of Hux's demise.  "Yes Supreme Leader, I believe Flonnec was next in line to take the position of general". Kylo nodded, "Very well, take steps to inform him of his new position. I will be in my quarters". Kylo rose, the others around the table standing also, nodding their heads at him.

Kylo closed the door of his quarters and pulled off his helmet. He lay on the bed on his back and closed his eyes. Shocked by the darkness he opened them again. Of course, the force was gone, Rey was gone. A heavy feeling of loneliness swept through him and he brought an arm up to cover his face. Could he do this? Could he do all that needed to be done without the force, without her? The thought made him tired. He rolled onto his side. Without the force he was nothing, just a normal man. If anyone ever found out about this they would easily overthrow him. And without Rey? He had nothing. He thought about her words, they had seemed so sincere and yet he couldn't believe that such a being could love him, not after all he had done. But what if she did? A little voice whispered in his head. He sat up then and held his head in his hands. She was so important to him, he knew that, he was done trying to tell himself otherwise, but did he love her? Did he know what love felt like? He knew that he wanted her, that wasn't in dispute. The memory of their brief kiss still sent a rush between his legs, his member hardening immediately. He sucked in his breath and for a moment he considered relieving himself, beating all those years of denial away with his hand. It wouldn't take long, maybe just a few strokes. For a moment his hand moved down and hovered over his zip. His powers were gone, it would make no difference. He undid his trousers and lay back on the bed for a moment breathing hard, his hands on his stomach.  His fingers slowly pushed down under the waistband of his underwear, his breath hitching as his fingers brushed over the tip of his erection, feeling it twitch in response.  He pushed his hand further down, encircling his length with his fingers, drawing a gasp from his lips, his eyes closing, his hips pushing upwards.

Suddenly his eyes opened again, his hand leaving his erection, coming to rest on the bed next to him.  No.  He couldn't do this.  He had to stay focused.  He was vulnerable without his powers, he couldn't allow his desires to distract him.  Couldn't let her distract him.  Growling with frustration he thumped his fist down onto the bed and then quickly fastened his trousers.  He would go to the gym, take out his frustrations there.

He worked out solidly for two hours and yet he felt no better.  It had taken him at least half of the session to work off his erection and even now he felt that it would return at even the slightest thought of Rey.  He sighed as he wiped the sweat off his face.  Would he ever see her again?  He closed his eyes, the darkness there forcing them back open.  He had hurt her.  He knew that and the thought of it made him uncomfortable.  She had tried to help him as he had asked her to do and then told him how she felt and he had rebuffed her.  Still blinded by his mission, even after losing his powers, even after hearing those words from her.  Kylo groaned deeply.  He was more confused now than ever.

Days past, the new general took his place nervously alongside Kylo and they went back to tending to their new army. Every evening Kylo would first battle with his desires in the shower and then with his loneliness in bed.

It was five days now since he had seen her. Five days that had dragged past with no hope of Rey's sunshine appearing through the force to allow him some form of relief. He had never felt so alone. By day he was Kylo Ren, a feared warrior, but by night he was lost and alone, the darkness in the force overwhelming. Some nights tears threatened but he stubbornly blinked them away. He was the Supreme Leader he had to be strong.

More days passed and by the tenth day he felt totally lost in his depression, working out until he dropped to his knees in exhaustion, resting his head on the cool floor. His frustration at not having the force had boiled over too. He had forgotten earlier today that it was gone and he had attempted to force choke someone. Turning quickly he felt his face flush under his mask, confused looks on every face in the room. It was only a matter of time he thought, before someone found out. Kylo sat back heavily, his eyes closed, his chest rising and falling rapidly. He rose to his feet then, pulling on his tunic and helmet and pacing down the hallway to his quarters.

He stripped off and climbed into the shower, standing under the hot water, feeling it rush over his aching muscles. He was already hard. Every evening now it didn't matter what he did, he was hard, needing a relief that he knew would never come now, needing Rey. Tonight as he had every night since that night on his bed when his fingers had brushed the tip of his member he allowed his hand to settle there, just for a moment, wrapping his fingers around himself, inhaling at the contact.  Every other night he had held his hand stationary, feeling the throbbing need coursing through him,shuddering from the effort it took not to slide his hand up and down. Tonight his need felt more intense.  He stroked his hand once, gasping and resting his head on the wall, shower water plastering his hair to his face.  Again he stroked,his breath escaping shakily, through parted lips.  Once more his hand travelled the length of his hardness and he bit his lip, suppressing a groan as if making as little noise as possible made it acceptable. He stopped for a moment, head still resting against the wall, his heart thumping wildly, breath escaping in ragged huffs. He pumped his hand again and again, shuddering, biting the inside of his mouth. He carried on, far further than he had ever gone before, fuelled by desire. His mind went to Rey, their kiss. It had been such a small thing and yet it had made him hard ever since the moment he thought of it. He was almost there, almost at that goal that he hadn't reached since he had spent the night with Yazmina all those years ago.  Rey's face appeared before his closed eyes again as he moaned, his orgasm building steadily now.

Suddenly, right in the midst of his passion he stopped, his hand holting it's actions.  A shuddery breath leaving his lips.  His eyes opened.  Could he go to Rey?  He guessed she would still be at the same resistance base and, despite not seeing a map he was fairly certain that he knew where it was.  He moaned, partly through frustration and partly at his thoughts.  It was ridiculous, the whole thing.  Here he was Supreme Leader of the first order, ruler of many, murderer, one of the most feared men and yet he was doing this in the shower and wondering how he could be with a scavenger!  Irritated now he let go of his member and thumped his fist against the wall.  Pain seared through him, replacing his arousal.  Satisfied with his quickly dying erection he thumped again and again until a thin line of blood dripped into the water around his feet.

No, he decided.  This was all wrong.  He had an army to lead.

He dried quickly, wrapping a towel around his aching fist and then dressed in his nightclothes, pausing to complete sit ups by his bed, burning away his pent up needs and thoughts of her.