Underneath it all

Nightmare.

"Ben!". Kylos eyes flew open releasing tears that ran down his cheeks, pooling at his ears. He lay for a moment looking up at the ceiling, his breathing shaky. How many times had he had that nightmare? He reached up a hand, resting it on his chest, feeling the sweat there despite his skin being cool to the touch, feeling his heart hammering in his chest.

Every time he would kill his father and watch his body spin downwards, only to hear him call out from the other side of the chamber and then the whole scene would play out again and again as if on a loop.

Kylo turned onto his side, feeling cool tears running onto his pillow. Would these feelings never end? Would he never escape what he had done? He would of course never admit it to anyone, but every time he thought about what he did to his father his heart ached in a perculier way, a heavy ache that he had long forgotten the feeling of. Kylo scoffed then, who did he have to tell anyway?

He leant forwards, rolling onto his arm and studied the clock. 2am. He was seeing that time a lot recently. He rolled onto his back and lay with his arm resting across his eyes. Since Crait things had been so busy, everyday filled with so much to do. He had officially become the Supreme Leader and now he had every eye in the place looking to him for answers. He had relished it at first, just glad to be kept busy, his failure at eliminating the resistance still weighing heavy on his mind, the shock of seeing his uncle and the emotions that that had brought with it and of course her. Rey.

Kylo had lain awake many times in the month and a half since Crait turning over everything that happened with her in his mind. As his mind ran over the times he had seen her he would experience a great kaleidoscope of emotions, quite unlike anything that he had experienced before. He felt a deep shame and disappointment within himself for begging her to join him and he also felt foolish too. He had been so certain that Rey would join him, so elated by what he had seen when they touched hands, so in awe of her when she had come to the supremacy and so protective of her when she had been before Snoke that he had felt helpless to do anything but follow his instincts. His mind would drift then to Crait and how even as he had told his uncle that he would destroy Rey he had known that he never could. And then the final image would plop heavily into his mind. The image of her closing the door on him, all that closeness and understanding gone and him alone once more.

Kylo hated thinking like this, hated tossing and turning with his feelings but the truth was, Rey had hurt him in that moment and in the throne room so much so that even now, even after all this time, just the thought of it brought a heavy, leaden feeling to his stomach. 

Kylo sat up, looking at the clock again, 2.06am.  He sighed and threw back the covers.  This was supposed to be his time now, he was Supreme Leader and yet he felt more miserable than ever.