heartbreak girl | s.m.

45 | proud

"Given anymore thought to the NYU thing?" he asked. I felt a knot in my stomach. We really haven't spoken about it since I told him the first time, but I've thought about it a lot more. And I hate thinking about it, because my head tells me to go, but my heart just wants to stay with him and where I'm comfortable.

"A little," I replied, only partially lying. "Haven't gotten any closer to figuring out what I'm going to do, though."

He didn't reply straight away. I knew we were both thinking about the same thing: what would happen if I left? Could we figure that out, or would it ruin us? Would we come out stronger? I don't know the answer to any of it.

"I know I sound like a broken record," he said. "But if you want to go, then please go. I know I'm the biggest thing holding you back, but that's not what I want to be. I want you to do what's right for you, not what's right for us."

I sort of feel like that contradicts what a relationship is supposed to be, because aren't we supposed to put each other first? You're not supposed to be selfish in a relationship. That's why our relationship has worked so well. Both of us just want the other to be happy; I'd sacrifice a lot for that to always be the case. I guess he would be the one sacrificing there, but I think that's too much to ask.

I nodded. "I know. But maybe what's right for us could actually be what's right for me, too."

He took a moment to reply. "Maybe. I don't know, though. I just want you to take me out of the equation and make the decision you want to make. We both know you've dreamed of an opportunity like this one for a long time, and it's weird, because it feels like your dreams are my dreams, too, and I just want you to chase them as far as they'll take you. And I know you want that for me, too."

He gets awfully sweet after eleven p.m. and a glass of champagne, doesn't he? I mean, he's  always sweet. It makes me actually consider leaving, which is exactly what I didn't want him to do.

"I'll be around even when you don't want me to," he told me, taking the last sip of his drink. "You wouldn't have to worry about us growing apart. I'll be here every minute I can."

I smiled at the sentiment, thankful for his comforting words. Even if he didn't mean them, they're nice to hear. And I do think he means them. It sucks.

"I know you would," I replied. "I think you and I would be just fine. I really do think that."

I'm pretty sure I actually believed that. We're strong and mature and I don't think there's much that could come between us. Never say never, though.

"Yeah. Me too," he said, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into his chest. He kissed the top of my head.

"I love you," I told him in a small voice, as if I was nervous to say it. As if.

"I love you, too, Gem," he replied. "So much."

I smiled to myself. He loves me. How can someone so kind and patient and caring and breathtakingly attractive love me?

"Thank you for being here and for always pushing me to do the best thing for myself, even if it's scary. You're the reason any of this is even happening," I said, which is true. I would never have had the guts to send my book to a publisher if he didn't bug me about it all the time. And now look where I'm at. I know this is my accomplishment and all, but I genuinely owe it to him for pushing me to take the leap.

"Your talent deserves to be recognized," he said with a shrug. "Girlfriend or not, I would have done the same. Your book is incredible, Gem. Obviously it is. It's the kind of thing you shouldn't keep to yourself."

I had to smile. It's so nice to be with someone who really believes in you.

"Thank you," I said. "I'm endlessly thankful for you."