heartbreak girl | s.m.

44 | big deals

It's a nice feeling to be good enough.

But the nice feeling quickly faded as I came back down to earth. What do I tell Shawn? Is he going to be mad if I decide to do it? Does he deserve to be? Am I even ready to move to New York City? I just got my life in order in LA; is it worth leaving now?

So many questions buzzed around my head, and I don't even know what I want. That's the thing: even I don't know. I'm worrying about the repercussions of a decision I haven't even made.

I just need to stop thinking about it for a while. My brain's in hyperdrive right now.

I decided to not tell Shawn until I got back home tomorrow, just because I didn't want to say it all on the phone, and I just want to take my mind off it tonight. The last thing I need is more stress.

I called him anyway, just because I wanted to talk. It is now March, which means it's been approximately nine months since we begun dating, which is sort of insane. I can't even believe it's been that long; at the same time, it feels like it's been this way for forever.

Things are still great, as they typically are. I mean, don't get me wrong—we argue and have fights about stupid little things all the time. Both of us have been over-stressed for the past few months, so we're way more irritable than usual. He had a go at me the other day for coming over too late, because he "had to get up early and I would just keep him up," for example. They're the kind of fights that you have with your siblings—you argue and act like it's the end of the world, but then ten minutes later, you're best friends again. That's typically how it goes for us.

We mainly argue about our schedules. All the time. We barely have a free minute to spend together, and so we're always trying to coordinate times to meet up and hang out, but he literally has no concept of time. My class will end at eleven and I'll have work at eleven thirty and he thinks I can come over in between, then gets all annoyed with me when I say that that's not possible. It's never anything huge, or anything that we'll stay mad over; just little disagreements over stupid things due to us being exhausted and stressed.

He's still the most dependable thing in my life, the person I can always count on. I find new ways to fall in love with him all the time. The growth of a relationship is a crazy thing, but it's natural. Everything's always been natural.

It rang once before he picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hi. It's your girlfriend."

"Hi, my girlfriend," he said, making me laugh even though it wasn't funny at all. "How was the meeting? Final meeting of the weekend, right?"

I sighed to show that I was exasperated and ready to be done. "Thank God it's the final meeting. I don't know how much more book talk I can take."

"Hey, that doesn't sound like the Gemma I know."

"I just don't want to talk about my book," I said, shaking my head. "I don't think I'm ever going to publish a book again."

"Fine by me," he replied. "At least you won't be whisked off to New York City every free minute."

I felt my stomach twist into a knot. I guess that's where he stands on NYU.

"Anyway," I said, swiftly changing the subject. "How was your day?"

"Fine," he replied simply. "Just been making music."

"Will you play me some of it when I get home?" I asked. "Pretty please?"

"Maybe," he replied. "I don't know if I can. It's pretty exclusive stuff."