Our Secret | Taejin✔️

Thoughts of a Victim

Jin's Pov:

I didn't know what to say. That was a lot. I know I asked, but I don't think I was ever prepared to hear it. The one thing I was positive of was that Taehyung had been through a whole lot. Things that I didn't know if I could handle. It's a lot to absorb. I need time to process it all.

I am already in the hospital, but feel as though I need some special mental health days to process everything in entirety. This would have been so much easier if it was just about Taehyung and me, but that wasn't the case, Bleu is involved and as much as I wanted to say fuck it. I can't do that.

Since pouring his heart out, Taehyung has not said a word, neither have I. Like, I literally don't know what to say or even how to respond. I assume he was tired from crying; he had fallen asleep on the edge of my bed.

As he lay there on the bed, all I saw was an innocent boy who was robbed of his innocence. He is the prime example of someone who was raised in an elite home, but that meant nothing as within that home he was given scars worse than I had ever experienced as a child.

He was an abused kid. I don't think that's something you can quickly recover from. Once your childhood is damage, it travels with you into your adulthood and worse if you don't get the proper healing, it interferes with every aspect of your life. Sadly, not only your life but the life of ours. Similar to he and I right now. The things he had done to me were due to his troubled childhood.

I am rather shocked that he was able to grow the company the way he did and excel how he did. That takes a certain kind of strength when you are as broken as he was. I am at a crossroad right now. I don't know what to do.

I need some time. I think I should take some time to think things through. A lot has happened between him and I. I have my own scars. I need healing for his abuse as well. I just aborted a baby. Ever since finding out I was pregnant, I literally drank every single day, I don't know if I am turning into an alcoholic or what the hell had happened to me. I have no regrets where that is concerned, while it pained my heart. I knew I did the right thing. Having a child with problems because of my stupidity would have been wrong and unfair. Taehyung nor myself aren't ready for another child. It was bad enough that Bleu wasn't even getting my full attention. There were days when I watched her in the bed, and I wanted to take her and just shake her. That's how bad postpartum had hit me. I think it was a bit of both honestly, Taehyung and going through postpartum. The past few months, I was not the same person I had been a couple of months back. It was clear, I was losing my mind.

I look down on Taehyung as a tear falls from his eyes, and my chest tightens in pain. I sincerely do feel for him. I only wished he had done things differently. The anger he had towards his perpetrators he had taken out on me, and that wasn't fair for me. I understand he didn't want me to go because I gave him hope. I get it, but it doesn't mean it was fair to me what he did to me. I am appreciative though that he has acknowledged his wrongdoings. Even if I leave, I can go with that clear mind that he apologized, which is way more than he got from those that had wronged him. I wondered what their outcome is right now in life. How do you live with yourself after doing something like that to someone else?

If I should be honest, It's not that I didn't like Taehyung. I just never saw myself with someone like him. We were sex buddies. I accepted that. A man of his status, I wasn't expecting more. I didn't even match up to the kind of person he was. I told myself that from the very beginning. Therefore, I never once tried to change things. Instead, I accepted them for what they were.

Now, had Taehyung confessed his feelings rather than using his status, maybe things would've been different. We could've dated as ordinary people did. Had a baby like an average couple. Nothing we have done thus far has been healthy. We don't even have dinner like an ordinary couple, ninety percent of the time when we eat dinner, we only sit and eat.

I don't know how you go from being a dysfunctional pair to being an average pair. I don't, and that's the problem right now. I don't know if Taehyung means what he says. Like I feel it in my heart, he does, but at the same time, my mind is only reminded of the things that were done. Things that I can't just throw out the door because he asked me to. The only two things that Taehyung and I have right now in common is Bleu and the desire to be a parent to her.

As much as I ranted, I can never hate my own daughter. I was the one who carried her. Gave birth to her, I could never hate her. I am just not sure in my current state of mind if I am fit to continue being a parent to her.