Our Secret | Taejin✔️

Open Up

Taehyung's Pov:

Please say yes, please say yes. All I need is just one chance. One chance to get it right, I want to know he believes in me to give me that chance. I thought I had gotten that chance when he agreed to move back to Seoul with me. Unfortunately, according to my therapist, I was wrong. She said I didn't ask Seokjin; I forced him by driving fear into him. I gave him an ultimatum, but none that benefited him, one option helped me while the other made him fearful.

I guess she was right. So she told me to try things this way. I was happy Seokjin brought this up because I was able to open up a bit to him. It was my assignment to do so by my therapist. I wasn't sure how I was going to do it. It was hard for me to open up and talk about my feelings, but him wanting me to admit why I did what I did, made it easier for me to do it.

I swear I never meant him any harm. I knew I wanted Seokjin from the moment he handed me his umbrella and smiled at me. It was the first time in my life someone besides my mother had done something for me without wanting anything in return. He didn't ask for my number, nor did he ask for money. He gave me his umbrella while he was left without one. I don't ever get that kind of kindness. People usually took from me. Sometimes I gave willingly and sometimes they took things by force, but not him, he never asked me for anything, nor did he try taking anything away from me. Well, except for our daughter, but my therapist said I couldn't dwell on that as I am to be blamed. I guess she was right.

She said I needed to open up more to Seokjin and share more of my past with him. However, it was hard. Before I could share my past, I had to come to terms with it, and that was honestly the hardest part for me. I had lived my life, blocking my emotions, and burying my pain deep within. Now she wanted me to dig it up and not only dig it up but share it with him. How vulnerable that was making me. What if after sharing my deepest darkest secrets, he only becomes more disgusted with me.

When I voiced my concerns with her, she said I wanted to be a good father, and raise my daughter different from how I was raised then I need to put aside pride and focus on what will make me have the life I desire for my daughter. That one hit me hard. I don't want my daughter to grow up the way I did. I don't want her to be fearful of her surroundings or be in danger when Seokjin and I aren't around. It would pain my heart for her to experience the things I did.

It had already broken my heart to know I had inflicted a similar pain of mine onto Seokjin, but when he told he was done with me, I lost it. There was no way I could allow him to walk out my life; he had kept me sane for so many years, and to say how he wanted to leave. It broke me. He was the only person I had left. Why would he want to leave me.

Of course my therapist wronged me for that too. Seemed I did nothing right. She said I never expressed my feelings to Seokjin, yet when he wanted to leave, I brought up the absurd agreement and then tried to use fear and control to keep him around. I was no different from my abusers. I can't even imagine how he feels being around me. He is calm since we got back to Seoul. He doesn't bother me, nor does he share his worries with me, which concerns me, but I can't fault him.

I guess I have to give him time. I want him to say he will try with me. Give me a chance to work harder on facing my demons and make things right. If I can't make things right or live up to my words, I'll let go of him and our daughter. That's how much I willing try within the next few months cause honestly, I don't think I'd be able to live without either of them.

I need to see that little girl being born; I want to see the beauty in life. Having her will make me know that innocence does exist and that we are not born evil, but situations and circumstances make us that way. I try explaining this to my therapist, and she seems to get it. She said I've been hurt so much that I'm looking for a reason to keep existing. I am looking for confirmation that there is beauty in the world. She said Seokjin is a part of my confirmation, but I need something else and the creation of life, my own blood will do it for me.

That's why I can't let Seokjin leave; my healing depends on this baby. I hope she can have what I couldn't.  A childhood, one filled with beautiful memories. I want her to have one like her papa. He mentioned he hardened a lot with his mom. He seemed to have loved that. His mother had warned me the morning before she left too. She told me to make sure I never harm her son as he was the most precious thing to her.

I wish I had someone to talk about me like that. My mother used to say I was her sweet prince. Oh, I wish I could've told her I wasn't. I wish I could've told her how many times they had taken me and how many scars that I placed on me when she and dad weren't around. I hated my father for always dragging my mother, where she didn't need to be. Why couldn't she stay at home with me? Why did I need babysitter and nannies?!