Our Secret | Taejin✔️

Broken Words

Jin's Pov:

It's been five hours. Five hours since I have been awake. Five hours since I made the decision that pained me to the core. After the doctor had explained to me what could happen to baby, knowing that I had been consuming alcohol since finding out about my pregnancy. I decided that it was better to get rid of it. It wasn't only two months old. Why should I bring forth another child into this world when my mind isn't right, my heart isn't right. It doesn't make any sense to me.

For the first time in a long time, I made a decision I wanted to make not even caring about the consequences that would follow if there be any. I don't care if Taehyung hates me. I don't care if I am unable to have another child. Bleu was enough. Someone, as broken as Taehyung and me, doesn't even deserve to have another child.

After having Bleu, I came to terms of how broken I truly am. How unhappy I am. I don't even smile at my little girl the way a parent should. Taehyung was right he did more for her than I did. I was happy all she did was sleep during the days. I think although she's young, she could sense her father favored her more. It's not that I hate her; I am just angry. Angry at being trapped. I have to hide to talk to the people I want to speak to all because of fear of what Taehyung will do. I can no longer live my life like this. I am young, and this is unfair to me. It's unfair to our daughter.

Since Bleu brings Taehyung happiness, he can have her. I won't even fight him for her. Right now, I just want my life back. I want the freedom to do what I want to do. Freedom to love in a way I want to. Freedom to eat, drink, travel, say what's on my mind and do whatever I please. Sadly, Taehyung doesn't give me that. He dictates everything and what he wants. Now that I think about it he caused the separation between Bleu and I. From the way he acted as though I would harm her and I was infected with a disease that I had to be cleaned before I could hold her.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" I looked up to see Taehyung. I didn't even realize he was there.

I shifted on the bed and tried sitting up, "I'm doing okay." His eyes were red as though he had been crying.

"Any news on how the baby is doing?" I felt a slight pang of nervousness at his question, but he needed to know. It was going to be evident at some point.

"I got rid of it Taehyung." His eyes went wide, and I watch as a burst of tears began flowing from his eyes. He opened his mouth to talk, but no sound came out.

"I meant what I said when I said I didn't want it. I'm already trapped with you because of Bleu. I am not in my right mind. I already don't give her the affection she needs. It's unfair to bring another child into this world, knowing that they'll end up living the same faith as her...."

"It's because of me, isn't it?" He said through his tears.

"Yes and no. You are a big part of the reason, but it's not all on you. I have to take some blame as well. Everything you have done to me, I have allowed fear to drive me, causing me not to take action when I should have. I decided to give you a chance when I shouldn't have. So I can't blame it all on you. However, I can't forget what you have done to me and how you made me feel. I don't feel like I am my own person around you. I feel suffocated. I didn't even get a chance to decide the name of my child; you did it on your own. You deprive me of having a life outside of you. You have placed me in a bubble with our daughter. Taehyung, I am young, and I don't get to live as though I am young. I live more like a battered housewife. I cook, clean, and take care of our daughter, and that's it. Oh, might I not forget I am there to fulfill your needs as well.

You say you love me, but I can't believe those words when all you do is treat me like crap. You don't treat me like someone you love. You don't harm and abuse the people you love. You might not put your hands on me anymore, but abuse comes in more ways than one. I can honestly say you love Bleu; I do not doubt in my mind when it comes to her. The way your eyes light up, the way you smile at her, that's genuine love.

I don't know where this all leaves us. All I know is that I am exhausted. I am tired. If this is my future and what life got in store for me, I don't want any part of it. It's clear you are broken and shame on me for thinking I could somehow tolerate you and fix you. I can't do that. I can't fix you. I can't change you. You have to change you. You have to want better for you. I can want it for you a thousand times, but if you don't, you will never get better.

I don't know what made you like this and I don't know what made it so easy for me to be your victim. I won't make excuses for you, and I won't hope for a change within you anymore as you have been consistent. I don't want to be the reason for your change, and I want you to be the reason for your change. Just like how I need to start living my life and pull myself out of this depressive mood I have been in.

I have always been against abortion. It's something I never even thought I would do. I criticize others for doing it, but you know I have come to realize you don't know someone's reason for something until you experience it. I will tell you I am sorry. Sorry for not giving you a chance to meeting him or her, sorry for once I became selfish, but I do want to make it clear as harsh as it may be. I do not regret the decision I made today.

I made a decision not to bring another human being into this world, knowing I would be no good for him or her. We already have Bleu in this mess of ours. Let's not cause damage to any more innocent souls.

I had Bleu even before her due date. Why? We both know why because I was so stressed out. Why would I put myself through that again, so that you can be happy? I don't think so."