I'm going slightly mad // Hardzello

Chapter 11

Ben wraps his arms around Joe tightly. Joe can feel the body in his hold shake as Ben starts crying. Joe rubs his hand over Ben's back. He holds him like that for a few minutes before pulling away.
"Hey, it's okay." He says softly.
"What if we switch seats and I drive us to the hotel? Then we can talk there, alright?" Joe says. Ben wants to answer verbally, but his words get stuck in his throat. So, he just nods. They switch seats and Joe starts driving. He isn't used to the wheel on the other side of the car but he knows he can't let Ben drive in this state. Sleeping in the car wasn't a good option either. While driving Joe places his hand on Bens' knee, making sure not to move his hand upwards. As he doesn't want to make Ben uncomfortable but he just wants him to know that Joe is there for him.

They don't say anything during the whole car ride. Instead, Joe hums softly along with the music. Hoping that it will soften the mood a little bit. After parking the car they walk together to Joe's room. Ben has stopped crying but still looks sad. As soon as they are in Joe's room Joe jumps on the bed.
"Come on buddy." Joe makes space for Ben to lay next to him.
"So, is there a reason you were getting so emotional?" Joe hopes Ben will trust him enough to open up. Ben uses his hand to rub his face.
"It's just, Mason was always such a good friend. There were some pretty mean bullies at our high school. Who, for some reason, decided to take me as their victim. They were always trying to come up with new reasons to bully me. One of the rumours they spread was that I was gay. At that time I didn't even know it myself. I was convinced I was straight like a normal teenage boy. Mason was always there for me. He was always able to convince others that the rumours were straight-up lies. When we went to college both of us got accepted into different colleges. Slowly we lost all contact. For the past years, I have been searching for him. Trying to get in contact with him again. I never succeeded. And here we are. He is now just as mean as those bullies were." 

Ben sighs rubbing his eyes with his hand. In his whole story, he didn't look Joe in the eye for once. He is too ashamed to finally tell someone this story. Joe probably thinks that he is a loser now. As he couldn't even stand up for himself back in the days. 
"There is more, isn't there?" Joe says trying to speak kind as possible.
"What?" Ben looks up at Joe for the first time. Joe's heart breaks at the sadness hinting in Ben's eyes.
"There's something that you are not telling me. I can feel it." Joe places his hand once again on Ben's knee. He rubs his thumb over the side of the kneecap. 
"You're right but it's just hard." Ben buries his head in his hands. He tries to keep his breathing regular. He can't cry again in Joe's precense. That was something he never wanted to do. Nobody should see his weak side. 
"I know Ben. But you can't keep this to yourself forever. You need to talk about it with someone. And I am all ears for you. You know you can trust me, right?" Joe tries to look at Ben. The latter still has his hands in front of his head. 
"Yeah, I know. Just let me think for a second, okay?" Ben closes his eyes. As he is trying to think of the best way to tell the story. He knows he needs to talk to someone about this. The best person is Joe. He will understand it better than anybody else.

"So, the rumours spread very quickly. Not only in our school but also around the neighbourhood. With most of the rumours, my parents shrugged it off and told our neighbours they were just lies but somehow they believed the rumour about me being gay. The rumour spread to a serious level. Some guy in the neighbourhood said he had seen me kissing another guy. Which wasn't true. By that time I hadn't even kissed a girl yet. My parents were furious. They believed it and they were definitely not okay with it. I was grounded for over two months before I finally, with the help of Mason, was able to convince them the neighbour was lying. I kind of forgot about all the yelling and grounding after that. Until I found out I was bi or maybe even gay. It took me a long time to admit to myself that I liked men but I never told anybody else. Afraid that their reaction would be the same as the one from my parents. I even didn't want to come out to you guys but after you did I knew I had to. And yet, I was still afraid you all would hate me." Ben looks at his hands again.

"I know the feeling. Remember that breakdown? I was so nervous every time a subject like this came up knowing I had to come out sometime that I just couldn't take it anymore. When you were at my door I was so afraid what you would think of me that I didn't let you in. Once Brian was the person behind the door I knew I had to open it. One, because I didn't want to upset him. And second, because he has been in a band with the one and only Freddie Mercury. He convinced me to come out really. My parents already knew. I told them at dinner once and the only thing they asked if I already had my eye on someone. But if you want to I can go with you when you tell your parents. They will find out eventually. I will not let them yell at you because there is no reason for that. You should live your life as you want and not how your parents want you to." While talking Joe rubs his thumb gently in circles over Bens knee. He doesn't know how far he can go to comfort Ben. So he tries his best to play it safe. 
"Thank you. Really, thank you so much."

"Why don't you grab your pyjamas so you can sleep here tonight? This bed is big enough for the two of us. I don't want you to beat yourself up by being alone in your hotel room." Ben immediately looks up at Joe. His eyes are wide open. Joe can now see how bloodshot they are from crying. Ben tries to hide his surprise reaction by shaking his head. 
"No, I will just go. I don't want to bother you more."
"Oh believe me you won't. We can just watch a movie or something like that and go to sleep after that." Joe tries again. He really wants to help Ben. More than anything in this world. 
"Alright, are you sure?" Ben asks again. His eyes are focused on Joe's face to see what his reaction is. 
"More than anything. Now go grab your stuff." Ben leaves the room. Joe sits on the bed. His head in his hands. He wished Ben told him earlier so he could have helped. Joe feels bad for not noticing earlier on but now he knows so he can still help him. For a few minutes, he thinks about the situation. He jumps up from a knock on the door.

Ben stands in front of the door. A pair of sweatpants and a hoodie on. Joe opens the door still in his clothes from the evening. Ben grabs his phone and his charger out of his pocket so he can charge his phone.
"I haven't changed yet. Would you mind if I do it here?" Joe asks. He knows he could just walk into the bathroom but he was wondering what Ben would say. Ben shakes his head. So Joe grabs the clothes he used as pyjamas the past days. He starts by changing his pants. From the corner of his eyes, he sees that Ben looks away from Joe. He is probably looking at something on his phone. After that Joe starts opening the buttons of his button-down. Before he slips on a plain shirt. He catches Ben looking over at him, biting his lip softly. Joe can feel his cheeks turning to a light shade of red.

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Hi my beautiful people, 

How are y'all doing?

This chapter really is an emotional rollercoaster, isn't it? There is a lot of stuff waiting for you guys. I am currently writing chapter 46. Yeah, I am far far ahead. I hope y'all like this book so much that you will read it to that chapter because there are some pretty cool scenes coming up!

Anyways, have a nice day guys!

Byeee Xx Itsametaphorjoe