PGDH4

The Message

The beginning-6/6

(The bedroom)

(Jack wakes up, exasperating. Sweating, even though it is cold. Middle of the night. He looks extremely distraughted. He still feels a frantic clutch. He is suffocated for the first few seconds as the images from the nightmare were still pretty fresh in his conscience. He couldn't tell it apart from the reality. It was just one big heart wrenching scream. But slowly as he came Back to his senses, he tried to cool himself down. Nightmares. He has had them before. Not very often. But he did. That was how it felt each time. Maybe. It has been a while. And he is reminded of the strange terror that was associated with it. Everyone hates nightmares. But for Jack- it almost killed him each time. Fear was and always has been his eternal enemy. And nightmares were just too much for him to handle. To be paralyzed while the things that you fear the most play before your eyes. you are helpless. And the worst part is that you can't close your eyes to whatever that experience. If you're consious enough, you might know that it is a dream and wish ever so badly to just jump out of the hell that you are burning in. But that doesn't always turn out as you want it to and might actually end up making the torture a whole lot worse. Again, waking up isn't the end of it, you will have to be able to recover from it. What's most difficult is trying to sleep over it, forgetting what you went through. So Jack just lay there in the darkness of the night Trying not to overthink it. But that was his major problem. He can't not overthink anything. Not revisit the worst from his past. Reliving the nightmare for hours or even days until completely moving on. thats why he was just thankful that he didn't get that many a nightmares. Or maybe that was the reason why each one haunts him for such a long time.
He lived mostly in the light and therefore would get defeated by a second of darkness. But he dared not to admit it to welcome more of the episodes. Not even if it would help him get over his phobia. so it was just a long night for him. The restless change in positions. The fluctuating opinion on the blanket. Is it To hot or too cold. The soft light in the darkness which he has started to see over the hours of staring at the shadowed corners. The starless charcoal sky through the window by his bed. The ticking of the clock. The sneaky breeze. His Shakey breath. And his half baked thought; not any good ones. He has emptied almost 2 third of the water bottle only retraining himself so that his bladder wouldn't disturb his sleep. But he wasn't having much luck with that anyway so he really wondered why even bother? He tried to induce a more positive, a warmer dream only to be inked after each stroke of bright colours. An eternity of unsettling ride on the rollercoaster. Tightly strapped in. Until he just gives up. It is 4 am in the morning and there is no use in trying anymore. His eyes are burning but he can't help it. Won't hurt to start the day early. No. It is not going to make the day any better. But he has no choice. This is when he usually wishes so bad that he doesn't have to go to college or that oily dump. Wouldn't it be better to to just crawl into a ball and make justice for the rough night.

No. In fact now, it is the total opposite. He just wants to go to the college. Sit through the cloying lectures. Drag his tideous existence which didn't really flare as much to others unless he was telling them one of his stories. his, afterall was the only story that he was in. Otherwise he is just there. Like the stars during daylight. Nobody asked for him to be nor did they complain that he was. his presence has blended into the lives of the people around him just like a worm in the dirt. Or could be that they didn't even wonder.
Maybe this isn't the the best arrangement that he could have asked for. Maybe it is pathetic. But this is how it is. He can't change it even if he wants to. This is how it has always been. He has grown into this lifeless cycle just as he has into this world. Not changing too much to be noticed by anyone nor changing too little to be left behind. Just enough to exist.

Surely he is not planning on keeping it like this forever. Definitely not. In fact his whole purpose asks for so much more. In time, To be known across the globe. To admired and loved by generations to come. For his art. He is planning on creating a world that welcomes everyone into it. He wants people to ride his journey along with him. Share the parts of his emotions with them. this is and always has been his final destination. His leanback. Where he can truly feel contended. Like he has really done it.