Mayhem by KyungbenCarstairs
Review by catchumylife
IMPRESSION BEFORE READING
Cover:
I love your cover. It's simple and easy to read.
Title:
Interesting title! Definitely hooks me in, and relates to the story!
Description:
Your description gives engaging information on what the story is about. However, I wish your description is more concise. The beginning portion ("Have you heard the joke...together through all the mess.") can be shortened or removed altogether. We should be able to know each character's personality through your writing, anyway.
Start with the sentence that begins with "When four best friends decide to go to a carnival..." and expand it. Think of the description as your pitch to a customer. You have to grab their attention in less than a minute, so cut to the chase!
AFTER READING
Your story concept is unique! Nothing like I have ever read before, that's for sure. The prophecy is especially intriguing. However, the plot needs more development and detail.
Each character is likeable, and I really enjoy going through this adventure with them. However, their personalities are indistinguishable. I know that they have distinctive personalities based on the book description, but I cannot tell based on the writing.
I like how each death happens in the perspective of the victim. I think that is really neat and creative. However, the story could use a lot more description and a lot more detail.
FOCUSES
Haha, you didn't specify a focus, so I gave you all four.
1) Plot:
Before I say anything, I would like to thank you for using humor at the appropriate times. Too many times have I seen people weaken the tense mood because they added in humor when it should not be included. Bless your soul <3.
The insertion of magic and fate is fascinating, but not nearly as well executed as the concept could be. The plot is too unclear for the reader to become truly absorbed in your story. There are many times when the story loses focus.
One factor is the unnecessary dialogue. For example, in the second half of the first chapter, "50 Shades of Wrong", the dialogue among the girls could be completely removed. Their long banter is not essential to the plot and may mislead readers. Try expanding the first half of the chapter and introduce the girls in the second chapter, when they are at the carnival. This improves the pacing as well.
2) Characters:
The story is not clear on each character's thoughts and opinions. How are their families? How are they coping with the deaths? What are they thinking? What are their opinions? The chapters are in the characters' points of view, but I know nothing about them.
One small detail worth noting is about the character Ty. He is not mentioned in the earlier chapters, but he just popped out of nowhere as Manda's love interest, which confused me.
3) Writing Style:
Choice of Words - I love how you use familiar words. However, there are too many adverbs. Adverbs are considered "lazy writing" because they are redundant, unclear, and replace potential imagery. For example, in your chapter, "Prophecy", writes:
"The woman sat calmly on her chair..."
So, is that a bad "calm" or a good "calm"? We don't know the reason why she's sitting calmly. The woman could be content with her life, she could be zoned out, or she could be planning her fifth murder. Now is the time to add more detail. Describe her facial expressions. Is she making any sounds? What vibe are the other characters getting?
One last thing is your dialogue tags' repetition. You follow a certain pattern in your tags. These examples are all in, but not limited to the chapter "Carnival":
"...she mumbled, eyes scanning the premises."
"...I said, looking out for a familiar mop..."
"...Lia screamed towards the end, causing the people..."
"... Manda called, holding out her phone."
"...Lia replied, pointing to a dark purple tent..."
Do you see the pattern? This repetition causes your writing to be choppy and tedious to read.
POV Usage - I prefer sticking to one point of view as much as possible, simply because that method is an easier read. The lesser the people, the clearer the execution. I think the story jumps from one point of view to another far too much in the carnival chapter, confusing me. However, the story manages to find the balance as the story progresses, and I like the distribution of POVs after the carnival chapter!
Description - I think this is one of the biggest issues of your story: the lack of description. The story is telling, not showing. There are so many things to describe in this story that isn't described: the carnival, the people in the carnival, etc. This leaves an unimpactful and unclear reading experience. Remember that imagery, metaphors, details, body language, and other methods of describing are just as important as the plot.
Also, avoid using pictures to describe something, such as the nude dress Manda wears on her date. Use words instead of pictures!
4) Grammar:
There are no major grammar issues in your story, which I love! One small thing I want to point out is in the chapter "On With Our Lives":
"'...' I continued to watch, unable to..."
Ellipses are only used when the voice trails off or when they do not complete their sentence. If you wish to say that your character does not respond, just write that they do not respond.
ADVICE
1) Remember what's important in your story. It's the prophecy we are curious about, not the girls' daily high school lives; so shorten or remove those sections and use that space to build up the setting, the characters, and the deaths. Be concise. Expand on the fantasy/action scenes and shorten the "slice of life" scenes.
2) Try to associate each character with certain adjectives, give them their own unique style of dialogue and actions, describe their physical appearances, explain the way they talk, and give us their thoughts. Readers want to know what happens in the character's head, so share it! This increases the individuality of each character.
Never assume that the reader knows the background of each character. Make sure to properly introduce each character before they contribute to the plot.
3) Describe, describe, describe! You know, the famous term "show, not tell". Add some imagery, metaphors, and other forms of description. Add body language whenever a character speaks. There are two cool tips I know that can help you:
A) Try writing without adverbs. This will force you to use imagery and to be concise with your words.
B) Try describing something without using that specific adjective. For example, if you want to communicate that the weather is hot, try describing the weather without using the word "hot". This will force you to show, not tell.
Increase sentence diversity by balancing between complex and simple sentence structure. It's okay to pepper simple sentences around your story. This improves flow!
ENDING NOTE
Love the concept! This story is something special, and I think with a few tweaks here and there, this story will be mind-blowing. Keep it up and I hope that my advice is helpful! Lmk if you have any more questions <3
YOU ARE READING
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