Author's Games: History

Task 7: Scores and Feedback

So SORRY it took me so long but I'm FINALLY BACK. Most of you liked the Feedback as it was, but one of you wanted me to be harsher, so I did. Hope this helps :D 

Jesusfreak202 (done by my husband)

-0.1 for repetitive sentences

-0.2 for spelling

-0.2 for grammar

2 on the writing maturity scale

SCORE: 11.5

I really liked what you did with Khutulun and the Mongols and how they acted. I liked the historical stuff. You had a lot of feels for everybody. A little bit more details on Alan Turing and the Titanic would have been better. I did like the mystery about the king who united the soldiers.

RondaRayl

-0.1 for repetive sentence structure

-0.1 for action

1.5 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 0.5 point deduction

SCORE: 11.3

You're adding a lot more to the characters and showing us all about them through the dialogue. I loved the action scene between Kenneth and Richard; it showed a lot about them and made things intense. Your entry was a little short but you only had two mistakes, so it made for a smooth read. Great job; keep it up.

ariel_paiement1

-0.1 for spelling

-0.2 for punctuation

-0.6 for grammar

2 on the writing maturity scale

SCORE: 11.1

Lucia's voice isn't Scottish anymore so it feels like her voice fluctuates. My suggestion would be to pick a voice for your characters and stick to it, that way the reader can get used to how a particular person is supposed to sound. With her voice like this, it makes her too close to the others and then the characters all start to sound the same. I love the goodbye with Manfred and Lucia - it's dramatic and makes us really care about his wellbeing. You wrote the word of instead of off and you also had a comma that didn't need to be in a sentence - before the word and. "Sign away control of the machine to the hub." The word sign doesn't quite fit here, although it is descriptive. The description of Manfred's fears that they would doom the world is not only realistic but easily relatable. It got me into his character and it was easily explained so I could imagine and feel what he felt. You used the word "in" instead of the word "to," which was another grammar mistake. I absolutely loved going to the machine's pov - which is the benefit of doing third person narrative (all knowing). You also didn't capitalize the word dad when it was used as a proper noun. You also went to present tense at one point, rather than stay in past. And I didn't take off for this part, but its a peice of advice I've personally noticed in reading your third person all knowing POV. When you're narrating and then you try to show us the characters thoughts, you say something like "this person did this, thinking that... " and then you'd say whatever they're thinking. Instead of always using that phrase, thinking, you could try to actually use their thoughts with italics intermixed with the direct action in the scene. Just a suggestion to change up the flow and keep from being as repetitive. :)

JesterheadJohnSnow

-0.4 for grammar

-0.4 for punctuation

-0.2 for spelling

2 on the writing maturity scale

SCORE: 11

Well, I think I'm already in love with Seiji (if I spelled his name right). I love the agents taking control and how tense that makes everyone. Nice team ups. I love that you're in 1999. All the details you're including about the time period make me nastalgic. "Are you from the game Zelda?" LOL. LOVE IT. THOMAS CUT AND SHAVED?!?!?! WHAAAAT? NOOOOOO. I MIGHT CRY. Poor Tut; never having pizza. Also great descriptions in the arcade - I can picture what you're talking about and I feel like I'm really there. BAHAHA. Best mission ever. They get to eat pizza and play video games to save history. I WISH. LOL THEY GET TO PLAY PAC MAN. AWESOME. Meanwhile, the other team... about to go into a diaster...I love how you described their feelings of leaving after getting attached to the place in a few hours - exactly how you feel when leaving an arcade and I can totally relate. Wonder how that would have changed history if Paul had beaten the high score for the dance dance game? LOL. The description you had of the after effects of the crash were vivid and really placed me in the scene. You did have a few punctuation, grammar, and spelling errors, but nothing that pulled me out of your entry. So good job. All the historic details you included made this feel like a very detailed, authentic and realistic entry. Once again, I cannot wait to continue reading your story and see what happens next.

Several7s

-1 for being late

1.9 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 0.1 point deduction

SCORE: 10.9

I didn't see any mistakes, which was a surprise considering how quickly you had to get your entry together. It did seem slightly shorter than your entries normally are, but it wasn't rushed because it had a clear beginning, middle, and end. I feel so bad for all of them; they're so consumed by grief. :( Especially Khen and Urajak (if I spelled it right). Great job! I can't wait to read what you have next.

Sara_R_Stark

-0.5 for punctuation

-0.1 for grammar

-0.2 for spelling

-0.1 for realism

1.7 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 0.3 point deduction

SCORE: 10.8

So many feels for Dion! Gah, heart-wrenching opening! I love the dynamic between Dion and Seth's friendship, which kind of also makes me scared you're going to kill one of them. You always get me close to someone before you kill them. o.o. Seth's thoughts about the mission and how Dion couldn't handle it and then when he told Dion about it and Dion's reaction just - SO MANY FEELS I CANT EXPLAIN THEM ALL. And what's worse is that John is going with them after all he's done. THATS JUST CRUEL. Ah, the Titanic. I love the details and how their mission is being done - spilitting up - although, I would never want to be alone on the Titanic because I would get SO lost. Lol. I went to the Titanic Museum in Branson and it had a real replica of the Grand Staircase that I got to climb and your descriptions were so accurate, it was like I was there again :D I would have taken pictures, but they don't let any. It was an amazing experience though and your beauitiful writing and mature vocabulary has brought that to life. As he steps onto the deck, your descriptions of the water spraying his shirt is SO realistic, I seriously feel like I'm there with him. You did have a brief issue with realism - why would John risk his life to leave the ship, just to have plans to return to the Museum with Charles, who was from the past and wouldn't know him anyway? You also had a few grammar and punctuation errors, but nothing too major. As I kept reading, I got really caught up with the action and can't stop reading. Also I LOVE EDGAR AND ANN AND JUST I LOVE EDGAR IN GENERAL. YOU JUST BROKE MY HEART HOW DARE YOU. Wonderful details; keep up the great work. I can't wait to read what happens next YOU HAVE TO SAVE EDGAR.

MusicgirlXD

-0.1 for punctuation

-0.4 for spelling

1.3 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 0.7 point deduction

-1 for being late

SCORE: 9.8

That was very short, as usual. There wasn't a lot about the Titanic itself on here and Eletta taking over the ship felt a bit out of place, but it was a creative idea. It's also nice to get to know her as a character, so I'm looking forward to seeing more of her character arc and how she changes.