Author's Games: History

Task One: Scores and Feedback

For anyone who's new, I try to keep my feedback super positive to encourage and uplift all of you guys because you're all amazing writers. I do critique, though, and try to point out things I think you can improve on. After all, all writers can improve. If it makes anyone feel any better, my husband was very thurrough with HIS critiquing this round and I ACTUALLY GOT THE LOWEST SCORE *gasp*

Several7s

2 on the writing maturity scale

SCORE: 12

KHEN. SO MANY FEELS. You are terrible to make her suffer that way. I LOVE Mary. Man, you've characterized her so perfectly; I can hear and see her. I loved the moment between her and Leo; haha, so perfect! Your characterization makes them feel alive and real and I'm already in love with them! GREGORY. MY GOODNESS WHAT HAS HE DONE?!?!?! I loved your problem with adding in a Lillith, although it wasn't clear who she was but that defintely would have been a problem and their solution was intense and made for an entertaining read. I was so relieved when they fixed it. GREGORY is such a jerk! KHENKI, KHENKI, KHENKI! Okay, I'm done, but that ship moment was sooooo cute and he protected her. I love the different character voices and like I said I'm SO impressed with your characterization. They feel so tangible! Mary, Naoki, and Khen especially; they're so different and they stand out as strong characters and I love what you've done with them. I seriously need to read more! You didn't have any mistakes at all *gasp* so you got a perfect score! IMPRESSIVE! Keep it up!

ariel_paiement1

-0.2 for realism

2 on the writing maturity scale

SCORE: 11.8

I'm hooked. From the start, you had me hooked. Your characterization is so strong, the characters feel real and this is a book I don't want to put down. I'm entraced and captured into this story, right there with them, which was aided by your clear, concise descriptions that made it feel like a real place. You also make the differences in languages and cultures realistic enough to be belieable, so fantastic job with that. Earlier you mentioned that Manfred couldn't understand the others with the tablets/earpieces and then later you had Nefertiti say something and he understood her, so I took off 0.1 for realism. Either that, or how the devices worked weren't specifically explained enough to clarify. Also, the second 0.1 I took off for realism came from that it wasn't quite fully explained as to why killing the woman would have ensured our existence. What path was the people on that would have ensured that civizations fall? Why would killing her have changed things? I think I know where you were going with it, but it wasn't specifically stated in the entry that she was trying to stop them from being evil, and if that's why, then it should have been mentioned. I do know the word count was highly restrictive for you and others (me included), so I understand a lot had to be cut from your entry. Overall though it was highly entertaining, like I said I feel like I've just started reading a good book that I don't want to put down. I can't wait to read your next one!

wordsmith-

-0.1 for grammar

1.9 on the writing maturity scale

SCORE: 11.8

I really enjoyed how you went to a different character's POV and started establishing them, which helped to get to know them better. The creative idea of a dinosaur living to the ice age and them having to kill it was a simple but creative idea that worked and gave you a clear problem with a clear solution. I love the accents and broken English. You did only have one grammar mistake, so it made for a smooth and easy read. I counted them this time, but for future references, historical details only count if they're part of the time period you're in, but this time since you put in so many extras to do with your characters, I went ahead and counted them. But for future references they won't. Even though your characters all have broken English, if you work on making their voices more unique, rather than all having the same type of broken English, then you'll score 2 on the writing maturity scale next time. Keep up the great work! I'm excited to read more!