Author's Games: History

Task Four: Scores and Feedback

From now on, people who hand in late will not receive feedback, just the score and the points taken off. Sorry, but it's only fair. You want feedback, then hand in on time so I have time to give it to you :). Also, those who hand in sooner will receive more detailed feedback than those who hand in in the last 24 hours. Again, only fair. Now, without further ado, here are your scores and feedback!

From now on, people who hand in late will not receive feedback, just the score and the points taken off. Sorry, but it's only fair. You want feedback, then hand in on time. Also, those who hand in sooner will receive more detailed feedback than those who hand in in the last 24 hours. Again, only fair. Now, without further ado, here are your scores and feedback!

ariel_paiement1

2 on the writing maturity scale (if i had a higher level for that, I would give it to you

SCORE: 12 + 1 bonus point (for being publishable-worthy) so 13

Wow, the emotions are thick and high immediately and it immerses me into your story. I LOVE the last line of your first scene about ignorance is bliss and how Manfred unknowingly sent them off to danger. FEELS. Keelhauling. That sucks so bad. Poor Arnald. I really love how you're writing in third person all knowing. It really just amps up your writing maturity (which yours was already massively mature as it is). Like, I feel like this is a published historical fiction novel and I literally can barely stop reading enough to read comments. The language barrier is so realistic and the historical details are so present to make it feel realistic, put me in the time period, but also without feeling overwhelming since there's a lot of character thought and emotion too - well balanced. I love the natives and I ship Aeitus and Lucia SOO MUCH. I feel bad for the girl who died - I can't remember how to spell her name. In-Sook. WHY. OW THAT HURT. I loved the creative idea that the remote still worked - quite a miracle. Their relationships with the natives was so sweet and the cruelty of Columbus' men broke my heart. I've never written or read all-knowing POV before, but I feel like you did it exceptionally well. Your entries are always mature and feel like novels to me, but this literally felt like a published book or ebook I bought online. I couldn't stop reading it and it's just... I am so impressed I don't know what to say.

JesterheadJohnSnow

-0.4 for grammar (since you had an award for me to ignore one aspect of the rubric, I'm ignoring grammar, so you actually have 0 taken away here)

-0.1 for spelling

2 on the writing maturity scale

SCORE: 11.9

"Vodka anyone?" I don't know why but this made me laugh. Strong intro, vivid descriptions, and fantastic job getting me in your characters' heads. I can't stop reading! Wow! It's so historical and detailed; I feel like I'm reading a historical fiction novel and it's great. "He isn't as foolish as he looks" and 'perhaps I was mistaken." OMG HILARIOUS. I was just so entertained, I couldn't stop reading and the action was so intense. I loved reading every bit of it. You did have a few grammar mistakes, but because of your award, those were void and you ended up with only one spelling error counted off. Fantastic job; keep up the great work!

Several7s

-0.1 for punctuation

-0.2 for grammar (you won an award to have me ignore one aspect of the grading rubric, so I'm ignoring this one, which means you lose 0 points from this

2 on the writing maturity scale

SCORE: 11.9

I love the opening scene and how detailed it is to introduce a new character. It also continues Naoki's storyline, so it kind of gave his timeline a fitting end, for now, lol. It's so entertaining! NAOKI! *sobs* the thought that he can never go home. His emotions and what he's going through... POOR POOR NAOKI! "You could hug her!" HAHA. Man, Akiko is so DANG cute and I love her and Naoki and their father-daughter relationship, and I love her and plus she ships KHENKI like me! I love your characters, even Mary's POV and Khen's. The crash was exciting and it got my blood pumping lol. Vivid descriptions and it literally makes me feel like I'm with your characters, because they're so realistically and well written. Their discussion about what to do nex and I love Khen's thoughts about how if they're stranded, she can't go back to her terrible home. I'm worried about Akiko's injuries... O.O. Once they get tot he New World it gets so entertaining and intriguing that I had to keep reading and forgot to stop for comments. Like I said, I feel like I'm in the story with them and I just - I love it so much. The sicknesses and deaths are so sad and terrible. KHEN. OMG NO. NO YOU CANT SHE CANT BE DEAD NOOOOOO. PHEWWWWW KHEN IS ALIVE. THANKS TO LEO. Lol. Okay that really had me worried.

ZSB2000

-0.1 for spelling

-0.1 for repetitive sentence structure

2 on writing maturity scale

SCORE: 11.8

I love all the interactions between the characters and getting me in your characters' heads. Titia and Falerius are SO CUTE I SHIP THEM. *intense fangirling* Awww. Una and Clara! TITIA. Okay you had me worried. It was kind of summarized but you drew it out and wrote it so well that it totally worked. EVERYONE GOT SICK. Literally. I felt bad for everyone. Plus, huge cliff hanger like we don't know did they get rescued?! I feel like, no one is gonna recover from this. MAN. They need a break! Lol. I feel like you had fun this time and it bled into your entry and made it so enjoyable. Amazing job. You did have two minor mistakes, so it was also smoothly written. And you handed in on time, so IM PROUD OF YOU

jesusfreak202

-0.1 for spelling

-0.2 for realism

2 on the writing maturity scale

SCORE: 11.7

The only issue I really had was the time frame; you could have drawn it out over the course of a week and stuff. You had one spelling mistake, but I liked the characters and you did a good job showing the Jamestown stuff and the natives. The action scene with Hijikata and Khutulun was all really good.

RondaRayl

-0.1 for punctuation

-0.2 for grammar (you won an award to have me ignore one aspect of the grading rubric, so I'm ignoring this, which means you've lost 0 points from grammar).

-0.2 for realism

1.4 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 0.6 point deduction

SCORE: 11.1

FEELS FOR THOMAS. You have done a fantastic job of including more information about your characters so that we can get attached to them. Catalina and Thomas' moment was adorable, and then he died, which was tragic. The excitement at the end with the soldiers and their escape was well written so you're improving so much. You did have a mistake in realism - how could Kenneth have fixed the time machine if he isn't there and it won't work? Other than that, great job. Work on adding it a bit more details for the setting - sometimes it was hard to know what was around them, like when they met the two people from Roanoke. Keep up the great work and I can't wait to read your next entry!

Sara_R_Stark

-0.2 for punctuation

-0.3 for grammar

-0.3 for spelling

1.8 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 0.2 point deduction

SCORE: 11

Feels for Freydis and poor Peter at the beginning. I feel bad for him since everyone hates him. It was a good length for an entry but I did feel like it was lacking in a bit of detail about the time period they were in; it wasn't clear which option you chose or if you went with another one entirely but that's just a minor thing. Also, it did feel a bit slow at times. Peter's death at the ending gave me so many feels and it crushed me and broke my heart. You had a handful of syntax errors but other than that, it was a good read. Great job!

Shermanblook

-1 for being late

-0.3 for sentence structure

-0.1 for grammar

-0.3 for punctuation

-0.2 for lack of description

-0.1 for spelling

2 on the writing maturity scale

SCORE: 10

MusicgirlXD 

0.6 for grammar 

0.7 for punctuation

0.6 for spelling

- 2 for being two or more days late 

1.3 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in 0.7 points deducted

SCORE: 7.4