The Fight For Love (Joshaya)

Chapter 51

  He enfolds her hand in both of his, and the warmth is comforting with the knowledge of her mother's death. All she can do is hang her head down, staring at their hands on his lap and their shoes on the floor. Now that she has him next to her, she can't help herself from coughing from getting choked up as tears spill from her eyes. She curls against his chest and wails into the fabric of his T-shirt.

  He moves one of his hands away from her hand and uses it to stroke her hair. Eventually, he ends up wrapping an arm around her and holding tight to her. He says gently, "Maya, it's going to be okay. Believe me, I know how it feels."

  Barely hearing what he said, more tears spill from her eyes onto his shirt, and she sobs harder into his chest. She wants to go back to the moments when she came across Riley's bay window and found safety there. That was her sanctuary. Even though life was difficult then as well, especially as a little girl, Maya had her mom still. She still had the opportunity to talk with her mom and mend their relationship. But she doesn't have that anymore.

  When she thinks she can lift her head from his chest without bursting into tears, she looks into his eyes and grasps tightly to his hand holding hers. She says, "I don't know what to do, Nathan. I lost my opportunity to have a real relationship with my mom."

  "Yeah," he whispers. "I know the feeling."

  As her eyes begin to cloud with tears again, she recalls what he told her when she went to sit with him by the dumpster. She pulls her hand out of Nathan's grip and faces towards the wall by the front door. She says, "Yeah, why am I complaining? You have it much worse than me." She pauses before continuing. "I can't believe you went through all that, and I can't believe that you're still going through that." A tear slides down one of her cheeks as she turns her head to look at him. "How do you do it?"

  He lets out a long sigh, leans forward on the couch, and folds his hands together. He ponders the question for a long time before even beginning to answer. When he finally does answer, he keeps his eyes straight ahead and avoids eye contact with Maya. "I don't know what I do honestly. It's hard. I want to give up on life sometimes." At that point, he turns his head and stares directly into her eyes. "Maya, I was going to walk in front of cars and try to get myself killed if it wasn't for your intervention. If you hadn't sat with me at the dumpster, I wouldn't have continued living. I would've have tried to kill myself."

  Wow. Maya has no words. Whatever that voice was about Nathan being just like her was not completely inaccurate. She has had thoughts of wanting to kill herself; before she had those butterflies for Josh, she thought what it would be like not to live anymore. The only thing she had to live for at that point in her life was her best friend Riley; she didn't know if it was worth living for only one person. 

  Placing a hand on Nathan's knee, Maya lays her head on his shoulder. She asks, "Do you believe in God?"

  He shrugs, "Not really. I knew people believed in him, but I didn't know what it meant. My parents never mentioned anything of it, so I just kind of disregarded it. But I'm not one of those people that's going to block out everything you have to say about God, so you don't have to worry about that."

  Maya chuckles slightly, "You're funny, Nathan. Um, the reason I asked, um, honestly I'm trying to figure out God myself."

  He sits up, which causes Maya to sit up as well and forces her to look at him. He says, "This is great, Maya! We can figure him out together."

  Peering down at her lap for a second, glancing around the room for a few more seconds, anything she can do to prolong herself from speaking her thoughts right now. But she can't hold it in forever; she feels this persistent urge to just go ahead and speak, so she does. "Here's what I think. You said you would've killed yourself if I hadn't shown up, and I would've killed myself if I had never started dating Josh. Before you came today, I heard this voice say a couple times that you're just like me. I can accept that you want to be a true friend for me because you're just like me. We've both struggled with wanting to kill ourselves, but we've both had a savior. Nathan, I know you've said I've made a difference in your life, but you have also made a difference in my life. I wouldn't have anyone sitting with me and comforting me right now, and I would just completely fall apart until my boyfriend got out of class. Dealing with a dead mother that killed herself because of her daughter's decision to date someone is a hard thing to wrestle with. Thank you for coming over. Thank you for putting up with my random sobs. I haven't known you very long, but you're pretty amazing so far."

  He only smiles and pulls her in for a hug. They keep hugging until a knock sounds at the door, and Maya breaks away from Nathan in order to answer it. 

  As soon as she opens the door, she sees Josh standing there and she immediately wraps her arms around him and tears spill from her eyes onto his light jacket.

  Not knowing why she's crying into his chest, Josh wraps his arms around her and uses one hand to stroke her hair. He asks, "Is everything okay?"

  Still crying and hugging Josh, Maya says, "No." She backs out of the hug, wipes her eyes clear of tears, and invites him inside. "Sit on the couch next to Nathan and I'll explain everything."