Never giving up on you - Completed.

48.

Austin

I had been in the hospital for almost two weeks now. I'd had another surgery a few days after the first, because one of the tears in my spine hadn't healed the way it should, but since then I was doing okay. Because my brain fluid wasn't leaking anymore the killing headaches had been gone, which relieved me a lot. But the tremors in my legs were still there, and I had hardly any strength left in them. It annoyed me that I could hardly walk on my own despite my training with a physiotherapist. My legs were wobbly and unstable, and I had to wear a back brace to keep my back straight. I felt dependent on others and it bothered me, because I hated feeling like that. I didn't want to bother anyone with my issues, not even Caity.

Caity had spent almost every single minute at my side, making sure I got the medical care I needed and checking if I was alright. I had the utmost respect for how she handled things, balancing her energy and time between taking care of Hailey while staying with her parents and being around me in the hospital. I knew it would wear her out sooner or later, even more because she was stressed out about her job. Her boss wanted her to come back and work her shifts, but there was no way Caity was going to leave me behind in Stanford and head back to L.A. on her own. She had tried to explain the situation and eventually had found a solution in Lillian again; she would cover Caity's shifts for as long as needed.

As much as I had tried to stay positive throughout the past time, I noticed that keep pushing it became harder every day. Out of boredom I'd scroll through social media a lot, and noticed that a lot of people didn't seem to understand what was going on with me. Not that I expected them to, but their comments on photos or tweets from both me and the band hurt me more than I cared to admit. Fans were saying they lost faith in me for cancelling yet another show, dropping out of yet another tour. They were disappointed in me getting sick again, telling me to suck it up and keep going like I always did. I was always preaching about staying positive and pushing through, they stated, so why wasn't I doing it now?

It hurt. A lot. And it was unfair. It wasn't my personal choice to quit. As if being unable to keep going like I so desperately wanted wasn't enough to suck up already, these comments and tweets were a mood killer and kept lingering in the back of my head, whispering to feed my insecurity and make me doubt myself. I was getting down and not even Caity or Hailey were able to cheer me up, how hard they might try.

We would have a consult with dr. Johnson today, and my cardiologist dr. Miller would be there too. Knowing they would both be there was something that made me nervous, because it couldn't be anything good if both my doctor's came in to talk to me.

My feeling seemed to be right when they came into my room that afternoon and dr. Miller closed the door behind him. Caity offered him her seat and sat down at the end of my bed. I stared at both of the specialists that had done so much for me in the past years, the ones who had gone extra miles for me just to make sure I could go on living my life the way I wanted, but by the serious look in their eyes and the slight nod of their heads when they both gave us a hand I knew that that time was over. My time was over. I knew it, but wasn't ready to hear them say it.

'Austin, dr. Miller and I have had a good talk about you and your case, and we... We came to the conclusion that you can't keep going on like this,' dr. Johnson said.

'No shit,' I muttered, not even looking up but staring at my hands in my lap.

'The possibility of you getting hurt beyond repair is just too big. We've known this for years, but we were able to find loopholes and ways to get you through, even though it was more on your account than on ours sometimes –' Caity huffed at these words and I shot her a look. '- but we don't want to take any risks with you anymore. You've crossed a boundary you shouldn't have, and I take full responsibility for it because I was the one who let you go on last tour. You can't go on like this. You need to stop pushing yourself.' Dr. Johnson stared at me and I let my eyes trail up to look back, sighing deeply.