What happens when your in love with the person who broke you?

The Top of the Tower

I woke up in the morning sore and sad. I had slept really weird last night, well for the few hours i had been alseep that is. My arm had been over my face but my other arm had been behind me somehow and my legs were wrapped up in the covers. I think I woke up screaming a few times, but I couldnt be sure. I was sure to look like hell today. But that was alright, it was saturday.

I sat up in my bed and looked down towards the desk where the only clock sat. HOLY SHIT! It was only 5 in the fucking morning!!! I rubbed my eyes, but they were wide awake and there was no way i could go back to sleep, which was really unusual for me. Sometimes I could sleep in until 3 in the afternoon.

I looked away from the desk and saw Danny sprawled on the floor and it brought a sad smile to my face. But there was no way I was going to forgive him yet.

Slowly and as quietly as I could I climbed down the ladder to the floor. I glanced at Clayton, but ended up staring. I had never seen him asleep before and he looked so cute, as much as I hated to admit it. His eyes were closed and his nose was as wide as before, but his mouth was open and he was just so cute. (I dont think ive said this before, but he is black. I dont mean that in any offensive way, just a way to describe him) I wanted to reach out and touch his face, or smooth back his short unrully black hair so bad... I almost did, but right as I was about to touch his cheek I snatched my hand back and ran into the bathroom, shutting the door silently behind me.

What was wrong with me!? I was over this guy right?! I answered myself, no, I obviously wasn't. But just because I liked him, didn't mean i could would or should do ANYTHING about it. He had hurt me, broken me and I was just healing.

I stood up and threw my hair into a ponytail, I applied some quick makeup and I looked alright for it being 5 in the morning. I take that back, I looked like shit. Sighing I slipped out of the bathroom and tiptoed across the room, I didn't want to wake them up. And I didn't look at Clayton either. Or Daniel.

When I opened the door I sighed in relief, maybe I was a better sneaker than I gave myself dredit for.

"What the hell are you doing Traci?" I turned around sharply and saw Clayton sitting up in Daniels bed rubbing his eyes. I stuttered.

"Whatever the fuck I want." I said and this time, I wasn't trying to be sneaky as I slammed the door behind me. I stomped down the halls to the elevators and went to the top floor. There was a little viewing deck up there, but i hadn't seen it yet.

I saw the door leading outside but it was locked, but the lock was really crappy. I pulled a bobby pin out of my hair and was able to unlock it and walk onto the deck. It was a huge wrap around deck that went up at a spiral around one of the towers all the way to the top. I smiled a little and figured the walk would take a few minutes. I started my way up, staring up at the fading stars.

I reached the top and found the door open. So of course, I walked in. It was a tiny circular room with a round bed in the center. There was a single window that was oval and it stretched across one wall. There was no light in the room but I could make out a candle on a desk built into the wall on the other side of the room. This was the only time in my life I wish I smoked, cause then I would have a lighter with me.

I trailed my hand along the brick wall and then went sraight for the bed, lieing on it and staring out the window. The sun was just begining to rise and I watched more patient than I had ever been as the room slowly lit up to reveal thousands of little diamons, or something cheaper that sparkled, embedded into the black bricks. It was beautiful in this room and I was surprised it wasn't used.

I sat up in the bed and promised outloud. "This is my new hangout." I said when i couldn't think of any better word to decribe the place that would now be mine. An imaginary lightbulb above my head flicked on and I smiled. I needed a diary to hide up here. I sat up and actually ran down to the door, opening it and locking it behind me before sprining down the hall, to the elevator, and then to my room. I opened the door and walked in like I owned the place, which in a weird way I kinda did. I opened my suitcase and found a diary that I had brought but had of course never used. I was really bad about staying with things and not quiting. I noticed Daniel and Clayton weren't here until I heard the bathroom door open and Daniel walked out with a towel wrapped around his waist.

'Traci? What are you doing?" He asked.

I ignored him and walked out of the room back to my hiding place, but I hid my last bobby pin from my hair in the corner of the hall in case I ever needed it. (I grabbed a pencil in the room too btw). I sat on the now white round bed and stared out the window.

I began

10/6/10 ~ October 10th, 2010

Dear Diary,

Today I found my new hangout area. A perfect circular room at the top of a tower at Nightlock. It is so perfect for me right now, its a place where I can get away from everything. Everything being Clayton and Danny right now. I really don't know about Clayton, I guess I never really got over him, which is REALLY BAD. That douche is trouble and I need to not tell him or let him on about my feeling for him. He's here for the weekend and I hope to god that thats it. But my heart doesn't agree with my brain. My heart wants him to stay and be with me, and hold me. My brain is gonna win, because even if he did stay, however crazy that would be, he would NEVER hold me, NEVER be with me, and NEVER care about me the way I do about him. It's just hopeless.

Danny. Daniel. Danny. His name feels wrong to write. I. I just. I just dont know. He was such a great friend, not the was, but I just can't trust him right now. Clayton ruined my trust for anyone when he stabbed me in the heart. He is kinda cute though, with his blue eyes and black hair and his pale skin. But it only goes that far, well in my brain. He was the one guy who knew EVERYTHING about Clayton and then he went and shoved it in my face it seemed when he let him come here. Doesn't he know how bad that shook my up. I had spent months, almost a fucking year, putting myself back together piece by piece, all the while having to hold up a mask to cover up the work.

I just dont know. Maybe tomorrow, or the next day will shed some light on my dillema. Maybe this will be the last I ever see or hear from Clayton... Maybe I can switch rooms and I won't every see or hear from Danny either. Ouch, that hurt. Could I really leave the two most important men in my life?

Until the next time I can sneak up here,

Traci Lana Jane

I shut the diary and looked around for a place to hide it and smiled a little. What better place than under the bed. I layed down on the dusty wood floor and slid it under the bed where I could reach it next time.

Sitting up I walked out of the room and on a last thought locked it with a bobby pin and then hid that by the door. My bangs fell out now, but that didn't matter as much as hiding my diary did.