Another late night alone had you turning down the bed sheets by yourself. You continued in your nightly routine before you lay down in the bed made for two. After you turned the lights out you heard him in the kitchen. Your heart swelled in your chest knowing this was it. You knew he wouldn't join you anytime soon. You would have cried at the realization of the drift in your relationship if you had not already shed more salty tears than the oceans could hold.
You laid there and prayed for God to give you the strength one more time. Just one more night to hold him; to be held by him. The voices of your friends and all the advice or words of hope, love and or concern wouldn't stop flowing through your head. You knew what you had to do, what had to be done no matter how bad it hurt.
It couldn't hurt any worse than sharing a bed with a man that didn't love you. You knew that you couldn't make him love you like he had once before. You didn't know if he ever did love you or just the idea of not being alone. On your side of the bed you turned your back to the door and his side of the bed when you heard him walk toward the bedroom.
You flinched when he opened the door to the room. He made his way to the bathroom as quiet as he could. You heard a low sigh come from him as he closed that door and turned the light on. You pinched your eyes shut not wanting to see him or how broken he looked when he returned to join you in his bed. You knew in this moment that you would have to lay it all out.
You couldn't do it another night. It wasn't healthy for either of you. Your mind went to the boxes you had packed in the extra room to make it easier to leave the next day. You had prayed that it wouldn't have come to this, but it had become more and more apparent that this was not what he wanted or expected. The relationship had changed so much in the past two months. He hardly acknowledged you were in the house much less in the same room with him. When he did it seemed to just be when you asked him a question.
Yes there were times that he held you, hugged you, but it felt as though he did it just to patronize you. It was just to get some physical human touch. You knew he was a touchy feely person because that's all he wanted to do in the beginning. Recently that had become a near extinct activity.
He returned from the bathroom and slid under the cover on his side. Before he settled in you cleared your throat and whispered his name, “Niall.” That caused him to stop his movements and reply with a simple “huh what?” You held back the tears and asked in a frail voice, “Will you hold me?” You held your breath through the pause it took him to answer your simple request. “Ok. You feeling bad,” was his reply. “Just a hard day,” you swallowed down the rest of your words. You just wanted your last night together to be a quiet and peaceful one.
He reached out to you and you rolled over to bury yourself into his warmth. “Wanna tell me ‘bout it," he settled down with you in his arms. “Not really. Just want to be here with you and let everything disappear.” By everything you meant every memory you had with him; good, bad or otherwise. He let out a yawn, “Ok. Goodnight,” he said with a kiss to your hairline. You wanted to scream at his reaction. Before he would have asked you over and over to tell him what was wrong or what he could do to make it better. Now he just went through the motions, and it drove your crazy.
After a few minutes you heard his light snore and felt his grip loosen on you. You tilted your head to look up into his face. The face you found so beautiful, that housed the smile that brought so many happy smiles to your own more times than you could count. The now closed eyelids that hid the bluest eyes you had the joy and pleasure of gazing into for hours. Your favorite hidden dimple just under his left eye. You knew you would miss this face and so much more of him.
“I love you so much,” you whispered. “I just wish I could make you feel the same. I wish you could feel how much this hurts me. How I would give up everything if you would love me.” You pause to hold back the tears that had gathered in your eyes. “I can't make you love me. Morning will come soon and I'll do what's best for us. Just let me lay here in your arms one more time.”
You kissed his stubble covered jawline and squeezed your eyes closed. You laid there counting the minutes you had left with him before you walked out the door of his house and his life for good.
