Unfixed

fear

I fear people, the world—Everything. I'm afraid that hello's might turn into goodbye's
and truth into lies. Familiarity might become a painful memory.

I'm afraid that I might keep questioning myself— “What's wrong with me? Am I not worth keeping? Am I not worth fighting for? Am I not always enough?”

I'm afraid of people's ability to hurt others just to keep themselves from getting hurt. People's ability of leaving other people, wrecking them. Just to prevent themselves from getting left behind.

They are all frightening. And so... I shut them off. Keeping myself away from the monster that might hurt me and broke me into pieces. Imprisoning myself in a world I thought I was safe.

But then, as time pass by, I get to realize that the monster I was trying to run away, was myself. I am the real monster. With this fear I can not let go of—I became one.

The truth is, it was me who's afraid of getting left and so I leave people. I was the one who's afraid of getting hurt and so I ended up hurting them.

And slowly, questions that filled my mind were all answered.

“What's wrong with me?”
Everything.

“Am I not worth keeping?”
I am really not. Who would want to keep a selfish monster like me? Nobody.

“Am I not worth fighting for?”
I shouldn't even ask for something I can't even give. When I keep running away. Hiding on my covers, being a coward and a monster. How can someone fight for me when I keep ending something that's not even starting yet? And yes. I'm not worth fighting for.

So dear, this is a warning. Remember every words that you had read. Start keeping yourself away from me for I am a monster and I might end up hurting you.

—aliahrodelas (10.03.18/10:35 pm)
Pctto.