Hello!
I like the casual style you use. It's cool and it breaks the fourth wall. (The fourth wall is where the character addresses the reader directly. For example, referring to the reader as "you".)
One beginner's mistake: don't describe the characters fully! (Especially in the first chapter).
Show the reader the character, don't tell them!
Example of showing:
Jimmy brushed his blond hair out of his blue eyes.
In this case, I am showing the reader that Jimmy has blond hair and blue eyes. Telling them would be describing them without them doing an action. Think of "showing" as the action plus a cherry on top.
The action:
Jimmy brushed his hair out of his eyes.
The action + the "cherry on top":
Jimmy brushed his sandy blond hair out of his crystal-blue eyes.
You're letting the reader know his hair/eye colour without directly describing it.
Direct description example:
Jimmy has blue eyes and blond hair.
Also, many readers simply skip over descriptions without a second thought. It's difficult to read simple descriptions with no action. However, if you want those descriptions, you should consider cutting & pasting the descriptions onto a new chapter and calling the chapter "Character Biographies" and talk about their physical traits and such.
You also have a tendency to switch between present/past tense. Please get somebody to help you out and correct where necessary! It's pretty good for the most part.
It was an interesting read.
Keep writing!
~Julian :)
Date: 26 June 2014
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