BOOK SUGGESTIONS/ CRITICIZE FOR FREE! II

Only Fools

Dear LunaCresta,

I apologize for the 2 year wait! I AM BACK :D

Okay for little and boring technical edits (that will be a pain in the butt to revise, if you wish to do so), is that I noted that you often put punctuation after the quotation marks, but it should be before.

Example (Chapter one - a few months earlier, page 2) :

"Yes dad, I'm definitely sure", I smiled [...].

Correction:

Yes dad, I'm definitely sure," I smiled [...].

What I really like is how you stick to past tense, switching where appropriate. Many people who I review tend to switch around and jump from future, past, present... But you stayed right on track! Kudos to you.

Could you explain the 'years' thing that goes on? It gets somewhat confusing when they are talking about "year 13" or "year 7"... is that equivalent to "grade 7" (which would be middle school/junior high) and "grade 13" (which is a high school 'victory lap' as it was called when it existed. If grade 7 = year 7, then she'd only be 13 years old, which doesn't match the description you give in the beginning, because she sounds very mature in the beginning of the book.)

I noticed you have a lot of exclamation points so "!" which makes the girl(s) sound insanely excited all the time, which can be... annoying? (That's personal, I just noticed it in the first couple chapters and it kind of turned me off from reading the story.)

There seems to be a switch in her. At first glance, she looks really mature and sounds really mature (like 16 years old) and then she goes to sounding 13 years old by chapter 2. Can you clear it up a little bit there?

Out of curiousity... which country is this set in? It sounds like England.

Awkward note, but at around chapter 3, I sort of lot interest. It was getting kind of repetitive (?) in a certain sense... It's hard to explain, but review it and maybe add a peculiar word or two, build up some tension.

Overall, a very interesting story, and your style and pace is great, it just needs a little reworking with some kinks.

A great excercise is to pick a chapter, open up a new word document on your computer (or even just a note on a smart phone, or even a piece of paper!) and rewrite a chapter. Re-read the chapter (don't memorize!) and rewrite it. Then compare it to the original. What elements did you change? Has your style of writing changed? Would you like to edit that chapter and add in some interesting elements you had changed?

I like the story, and by the end chapter its like DAYUM GURL. (oops that was unprofessional, just saying though ;) haha).

This book reminds me of the song "Juliette" by Hollerado (Album: 'Record In a Bag' 3rd song).

Keep writing, I like the story! It's very cute and sweet, and I like the catholic board school setting. You are a fabulous writer :3

23 June 2014