TheNinjaWriter!
I apologize for such a LATE entry... but here I am! Ladies, gentlemen, pillows and lamps, I must say--TheNinjaWriter has been awaiting this review since May 29th, 2012!
I have to say--this is just ridicoulously GREAT. :D Here are a few specific corrections....
-Ch. 1, pg 1: "sqeuky" instead of "squeaky"
-Ch. 1, pg 1: "vegtable" instead of "vegetable"
-Ch.1, pg. 2: "enimies" instead of "enemies"
Meaning: read over every single detail and ensure the chapters are written correctly.
Another correction would be to ensure you are using past tense & present tense properly. If you have the time and patience to edit your chapters to fix the past and present tense, I highly suggest it! Currently, you predominantly use present tense to tell your story--but it sounds much cleaner to use past tense.
Here's an easy correction:
"I sigh in frustration." (Ch.1, pg 1)
CORRECTION: "I sighed in frustration."
Again! Try to take out clichés and don't focus so much on her appearance.
Also, I'd be careful about capitalization & punctuation: (Example:)
What you'd write:
Susie and Kyle said in unison, "We hate you." And Sam added "And we always will."
CORRECTION:
Susie and Kyle said in unison, "We hate you," and Sam added, "and we always will."
The plot is HIGHLY intriguing. Your errors are really just typos or technical errors.
ONE big thing I'd like you to add is maybe a couple scenes about Maddi having to deal with Michael. The reader feels sort of at loss as to why she behaves like that. It's just slightly confusing. One chapter she's working at 100% power, the next she's down to 50% and then the next happens at 0%. We don't get to see her slowly taking control, and the relationship slowly deterioraing. It just sort of goes BLAM! and she's suddenly hated by the kids.
A question from a reader's perspective:
Where's her dad?
Does she have siblings?
IT"S AWESOME THOUGH!!
Date: 31 March 2013
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