BOOK SUGGESTIONS/ CRITICIZE FOR FREE! II

Rays

Hey there!

So right off the bat, the beginning is cliché:

"I've always been a little odd." A couple years ago, this might have been considered to be insanely original and gotten lots of reads. Now it's the modern cliché of "Once upon a time..." used in fairy tales. Might want to change that.

I also would take out the description of her at the beginning of the book. It makes her seem too perfect, although I did like the line "I guess I wasn't on the same page as the rest of humanity." Nice.

It makes her seem too perfect, and turns off the reader. No imperfections, it seems, and it is easy to quickly move onto a different book on Wattpad.

(YOU READ HOMESTUCK YES!!!! BONUS POINTS YOU HAVE MY VOTE ON THAT CHAPTER!!)

Your work is riddled with punctuation errors! They're easily correctable with a sharp eye and patience.

Example:

"[...] and the man said,"We're almost there, [...]"" (Chapter one- change, page 2) I'm not sure if this is a simple formatting problem with Wattpad, or a serious writing thing that needs to be addressed, simply because it reoccurs so frequently.

Correction:

"[...] and the man said, "we're almost there, [...]""

Or even

[...] and the man said,

"We're almost there, [...]"

Story issue: it seems to move along too fast. It's easy to get caught in the 'move along too fast' trap, and it's difficult to slow down the pace, but try to describe her surroundings, her relationships more?

My thoughts as I move along...

... Yep. It's going too fast. I stopped reading at Chapter 2 and I'm currently skimming it, trying to get the gist of where this is going.

... Okay it's chapter 3, now I'm actually interested! MAGIC yusss! Arggghhh punctuation!!!

... Okay back to review.

It's a good story, and I enjoy the descriptions! I like the idea of the 'Rays'.

I would definitely get somebody to review and smooth out the kinks in your writing! While it IS fantastic, and super cool, it does have a bunch of little, easy-to-correct mistakes that really take away from the story.

Nice book & keep writing!

~Julian :)

Date: 23 June 2014