𝐞𝐠𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 → 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐰𝐧 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐬 (𝐢)

nineteen [s]

tuesday,
march 14th, 2018

SHAWN MENDES

Tuesday rolls around and I stay at home all day as I've done for the past couple of days since Trinity left. Being alone offered me a lot of time to think. Ok, I really shouldn't have basically ruined her relationship with Evan. I should have let her talk it out with him in her own time, and it was an obnoxious and a dick move to do what I did.

It's just that seeing my close friend with my roommate in that way, really fucked with my head. I'm not sure why. I never thought I could like anybody the way I liked Vanessa, but I'm starting to think Trinity's changing that. I don't want to tell her though, for fear it's true and she rejects me. I cannot take rejection; it doesn't sit well with me whatsoever. It crumbles my walls and breaks me up and I'm definitely not willing to go through that shit for Trinity, not yet at least.

After Trinity interrupted my session with that girl the other night, I couldn't concentrate on fucking her so I asked her to leave. She was embarrassed and pissed, but I didn't care. All I cared about was Trinity. I buried myself deep within my thoughts of "is she coming back?", "where did she go?" etcetera, etcetera.

I eventually grew a pair of balls to text her the other night asking if she was ok, to which she replied something like 'I'm fine, i'll be back after classes tuesday, you're a prick, goodbye'. I don't blame her. I find myself not having the heart to blame anything on her anymore.

I grab my phone to dial the local pizza delivery service and order a large chicken and sweet corn with extra cheese; Trinity's absolute favourite. Even though she said she'd come back today, it's almost three and classes ended at half past twelve.

As I become almost fully submerged in my train of thoughts ranging from Trinity to music to food, the sound of footsteps and a nearby door opening catches my attention. I spring up from my bed in surprise and find a small smile curving on my lips. Trinity must be back.

I exit my room and cautiously make my way to her door, which is wide open. I glance inside and watch as she tosses some clothing items into her washing basket and others into drawers of all sorts. I tap my knuckles against the wood of her door three times and her head snaps in my direction.

"Yes?" she says curtly and returns to sorting out her clothes.

"I'm sorry," I blurt out.

I didn't plan on what I was going to say, but I sure as hell didn't think it'd be a straight out apology.

"Good for you," she sighs. She kicks her gear bag under her bed and peels back her blankets. She slips off her shoes before sliding into her bed and noticeably shivering at the cold sheets.

"I really am, T," I add.

She doesn't reply, instead she lays on her side to face the window, her back to me. I sigh and sit on the edge of her bed. I place a sympathetic hand on her duvet covered thigh and she wriggles about to let it fall.

"I missed you," I whisper. I see her eyes close as she heavily breathes out through her nose. "I really fucked up, Trinity. I know that and I apologise. It wasn't my place to tell Evan that."

"So why did you?" she snaps, sitting up, "Huh? Why on earth did you feel the need to ruin whatever was--"

"I was jealous!" I cut her off.

As soon as the words tumble from my lips, my heart begins to pound. Why, why, why did I have to tell her that? My breathing picks up its pace and my palms become sweaty.