Crookedly in Love {a Shawn Mendes Fan Fiction}

48. You First

I woke up next to Shawn. I turned around to face him, the sheets rustling. His eyes were closed, and he was breathing deeply. I looked around the hotel room. Our clothes were strewn across the floor in a scattered, hopeless mess. 

I remembered him grappling at my shirt, and I his. I remember telling him I loved him for the first time in a while without wanting to cry. 

It felt right last night. And it felt right this morning. 

I leaned over and brushed my lips against his. His eyelids fluttered, as his hand traced my jaw. 

"Hi beautiful," he whispered. 

"Shawn," I replied softly. 

"Mhm," he murmured back. 

I kissed his shoulder, and I watched him smile. 

"I love you," I said. "I haven't been this happy in a long time."

"I love you too," he responded. "I know our relationship has a lot of rebuilding to do because of me, but - "

"But, I want to rebuild it. I'm serious this time. No hidden feelings of resentment. I'm all in this time." 

He nodded. I leaned in to him, and he pulled me close. I could feel his warm breath tickle my chin. 

"I'm not going to go to LA with Selena," I said. 

He didn't say anything. 

"I love you so much, and I feel like we've been on different pages for so long. And now that we're finally together, I can't let anything stupid come in the way of us again."

"Jules," he started to say. 

"I'm serious."

"I know you are. And I want you to be with me always. I just -"

"No, no arguing. I get to make this decision. I want you."

"I want you more than anything."

"Then, what are you saying?" I asked. I looked up at him, and he pressed his lips together.

"Nothing."

He kissed me feverishly, and I didn't want him to say another word. I had this weird feeling inside me -- this opportunity presented itself, but I knew if I left Shawn, I would regret it. I would regret not giving us a chance. 

There was a knock at the door. I got out of bed and quickly threw on an oversized t-shirt and my jeans. Shawn slipped into the bathroom to change. 

I opened up the door. It was Camila. 

I opened my mouth to say something as my stomach dropped. There were so many things I wanted to tell her. How dare she tell people about Shawn and me? How dare she tell Selena to flirt with him in order to bring to light his "true colours"? How dare she...

Care about me? She cared enough about me to try and get me out of this situation. 

My anger and my sentimental emotions were battling with one another. I didn't know what to do. So I stepped forward and hugged her. 

"Oh, Julia," she whispered, as she hugged me back. I held her tightly. "I just want you to be happy." 

Tears welled up in my eyes. She wanted the best for me. Even though she went about it in this way, all she really did was put me first. 

"I am," I said, wiping the tears away. 

"Okay," she replied, her eyes welling up with tears as well. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done anything or said anything. But, I know you. And I know you love Shawn so much, and you would do anything for him. To make him happy."

I sat down on the bed, listening to her. 

"But, I wanted you to think about you for a change," she continued on. "I wanted you to stop putting yourself second."

I looked down at my hands. "I know."

"I love you, Julia," she came over to me. She gave me another tight hug. I peered over to see if Shawn would come out of the bathroom, but he made no move to do so. 

"Let's go for some coffee," I suggested. 

We left the room, and I texted Shawn I'd be back later. 

I spent the next few hours with Camila, just catching up. We met up briefly with Taylor, but no one brought up the events of last night. And my mind was whirring about. Camila told me to put myself first. 

I had never thought that I was putting myself second. But maybe I was. Maybe I was sacrificing too much to be here with Shawn. 

But, no. I shook those thoughts away. I would regret it if I left before Shawn and I could really figure our relationship out. That was the right decision. 

When I came back to the hotel room, I saw Shawn sitting on the bed beside my suitcase. 

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"I packed for you," he said. 

"Oh really? And where are we going?" I asked, playfully. He was joking. My suitcase was empty. He was just messing around. 

"Not we," he said. "You."

I stared at him, letting the words sink in. I went over to my suitcase and threw it open. All of my things were in there. 

I looked up at him, and he was staring at me intensely with tears in his eyes. His cheeks were flushed and eyes red. Seemed like he had been crying for a while. 

"Shawn, what's happening? What do you mean?" 

I walked over to him, and he collapsed. He pressed his forehead against mine and took staggered breaths. 

"I don't want to lose you. I don't want you to forget about me, but you need to go to LA. You need to do this for yourself -"

"No, no," I started to protest. 

"Yes," he said. "You deserve so much more than this. You deserve to get everything you've ever wanted and pursue your dreams. I'm not letting you sit back and watch me. I'm not going to be that guy that held you back."

"Shawn -"

"I love you so much. Which is why I know this is the right decision."

"It's - it's not. What about us? I would be sick if I didn't let us have a real chance."

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to stop loving you like  do right now. But you need to do this for yourself. I need you to do this."

We both couldn't speak for a moment and our tears mixed together. I kissed him, burrowing into his shoulder. 

"You know you have to go," he whispered. 

I nodded, but couldn't bear to say the words out loud. 

"I want you to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted," I murmured. 

"But you need to be happy too. And I know you're going to regret not going."

"I'm going to regret not staying."

"Julia," he said. "I love you. You make me a better person. Day after day. It's time I started being there for you too."

I knew he was right. Deep down, I knew he was right. I just simply nodded because I couldn't find the right words to express how I was feeling in this moment. 

So we said nothing. We just stood there holding each other, letting the time pass us by.