Crookedly in Love {a Shawn Mendes Fan Fiction}

19. Like I'm Gonna Lose You

I stood, staring at him, in complete and utter shock. He's been in love with me for the past five years. Five years. And I had never known. I had never even let myself think for a moment he would fall for me because I didn't think I was nearly good enough. I know that sounds self-deprecating. But once you become best friends with a boy as good looking as him, you start to categorize yourself into that zone only.

"You..." I trailed off, staring at him and his humble smile. "You – you love me?"

He stepped forwards, tentatively. "Jules, I do. Just remember that I love you, no matter what happens from here on out. The truth is that I love you."

I looked at him strangely. No matter what happens? What did that mean?

"I don't know what to say," I said, honestly.

He leaned down and kissed me, tenderly. It was soft, slow, gentle. I couldn't really collect my thoughts all too well. All I knew is that I felt right with him in this moment. He made me feel whole, made me feel worth something. He understood me and all my quirks, and I didn't know who else would.

"Shawn," I said, my breath caught in my lungs.

"You don't have to love me back right now," he replied.

"How do you know you love me?" I had to know. "I mean, when did this all start?"

"Since you and I moved beside each other," he said.

"But, when?"

He shrugged. "Jules, I don't know. I don't have an exact timeline on this."

I nodded.

"But, I know that right now, I have no doubt in my mind that I would do anything for you. And I don't know what I would do if I lost you."

"You're not going to lose me."

"No, but I feel like I would fall apart if you walked out of my life," he said, sincerely. "Julia, I know it's been strange, jumping from friend to couple. But, in all honesty, it hasn't been weird for me at all. It felt really right. Really comfortable."

I nodded. "Yeah, yeah it has."

"And I know I was afraid it might not have worked out," he continued. "But, I can't stop thinking about you now. I just want to be with you all the time, and that's so strange for me to admit. I've...I've never felt like this before."

He came close to me and enveloped me into a hug. He held me tightly against his chest, and I could feel his heart beat rapidly, as if he could lose me at any moment if he let go.

He stared into my eyes, and there was something behind his eyes. I could see there was a slight amount of sadness or guilt or something...I couldn't put my finger on it.

"Shawn, are you okay?" I asked.

"I just...I don't want to hurt you," he said. "You know that, right? I would never want to hurt you."

"I know," I said, kissing him.

His sense of urgency just made me all the more sure that I loved him too.

"Listen, I know we have to write songs for the album tomorrow during the day, but I have an idea for something to do tonight. When this concert is over, meet me in my hotel room?"

"What do you have in mind?" I wondered.

"Just be there, looking as beautiful as you always do," he said, kissing me on the forehead.

My stomach fluttered. I turned to leave his dressing room, trying to string my thoughts together into one coherent line, but my heart had taken over.