Crookedly in Love {a Shawn Mendes Fan Fiction}

45. In a Rut

I was looking at Shawn from across the room. Taylor and Selena were seated beside him, chatting easily. Ever since I confronted Selena about being flirtatious with Shawn, I've started to pick up on more subtleties. 

Sometimes, she would ever so slightly lean against him and laugh at a joke he told. And I know he's not that funny. Then, she would hit him on the arm. Sure, she hasn't done anything outright. She hasn't kissed him or said she liked him or said she wanted to steal him away. 

But, there was something weird about it. Which sucked because I really wanted to like her. 

"Jules?" Shawn said. He was suddenly standing in front of me. 

"What?" I asked, snapping out of it. 

"I said we were going to grab coffee. Want me to grab you anything?" he wondered. 

I looked behind him and only Selena was standing. 

"Why don't I come with you?" I asked. 

"Oh, it's okay. You stay. We've got it," Selena responded for him, smiling genuinely. 

I had to refrain from rolling my eyes because I was really started to get irritated. I didn't even know why. He wasn't even mine, per se. But, the thought of losing him still wrenched at my heart. And Selena was so drop dead gorgeous, I knew I wouldn't be able to stop anything happening between them even if I tried. 

"Yeah, let them go. Let's chat, just the two of us!" Taylor said, skipping over to sit next to me. I couldn't pass that up. 

Taylor freakin' Swift wanted to talk to me. Like friends. I let them go, but this feeling of insecurity stayed with me. 

"So, how are you?" she asked. 

"I'm good. I feel like Shawn and I have hit some sort of songwriting rut. We haven't been able to crank anything out since the start of the tour."

She nodded. "Hmmm."

"What do you think?"

She opened her mouth, then thinking better of it, she closed it. 

"What?" I asked, half-laughing. 

"Well, I - " she hesitated. 

"Come on, you can tell me."

"Okay," she laughed. "I just don't want to say something that might upset you."

"I think I can handle it. I have tough skin," I said lightheartedly. Although, my heart was starting to pound a little bit. 

"Well, for me, when I go through songwriting ruts, it's usually because you're not being entirely truthful with yourself."

"What do you mean?"

"Think about it. The best songs are the ones with raw emotion The lyrics are truly meaningful and relatable to the time when you wrote it."

"Right..." I didn't know where she was going with this. 

"Maybe you guys are going through a rut because you're repressing some sort of feelings you don't want to talk about."

"Like?" Now I finally understood where she was taking this. 

She got a little flushed by this question. "I - I don't know. Like, maybe something is bothering you guys and you don't feel comfortable bringing it up. Or, maybe you don't feel quite the same way about him as you used to, and you don't know how to tell him. Or yourself for that matter. Or -"

"Or he doesn't love me anymore."

She pressed her lips together. "Oh, well, no. I mean, I don't know."